Thank you, Your Majesty.

Really. I mean, I know I’m not the biggest fan of the monarchy. But us mere ‘subjects’ can now tour your Royal Yacht, Britannia, moored in Edinburgh. Below decks is an old handwritten notice regulating the sailors’ lives.

Item ten inevitably caught our eyes: “Any transgression of these rules will be punished severely.” How nice. Not ‘all’, presuming that transgressions would occur. But ‘any’: in the very unlikely event…

Then the audio-commentary in the dining room described how the place settings had to be just so. Everything laid out precisely. To the centimetre. And how the settings would be measured with a ruler before dinner. Guess what Haron’s going to have to do the next time we have pervy friends for dinner? Guess what’s gonna happen to her with the ruler for any inaccuracies???

And then there was Your Majesty’s souvenir shop. Resisting the temptation to purchase the pseudo-naval memorabilia (there being a distinct absence of cat o’nine tails), we found ourselves in front of a leather fly swat. A very nice leather fly swat indeed.

My mum arrived: “Oh, they come in really handy in the summer. Do you need one?” I assented, as Haron shook her head frantically. What a kind mother: the implement was whisked out of my hands into her shopping basket.

I’m pretty confident (despite some suspicions about my father’s probably-unfulfilled kinky inclinations, of which more anon) that her definition of ‘handiness’ is different to mine….Three hours later, Haron was bent tightly over the armchair back in our hotel to appreciate her mother-in-law’s generosity. Most enjoyable. And at least any Buddhists readers can rest assured that no flies will be harmed with our new swatter.

Later in the evening, over dinner, my father asked Haron how girls were punished at school in Ukraine. He seemed quite disappointed that they were merely made to stand in the corner. I was quite disappointed that she didn’t invent birchings in front of the school, or solitary canings in Headmasters’ offices.

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