The Spanking Writers

I’ve been enviously reading about a company that’s placed its employees’ offices in a pirate ship, a fake cave (with a fake waterfall in it), and hell knows where else, to give their creativity a boost. (The article was originally linked from Web Worker Daily.) I hope it’s working for them, and they don’t just end up playing with bits of office scenery on company time, the lucky monkeys.

I can just imagine a zap of creative energy I would get from stationing myself in a kink-inspiring location every time I was writing a spanking story.

Is it time to spank a schoolgirl? Welcome to our well-stocked classroom (with a power socket for your laptop, or freshly filled ink pots if you’re in favour of full immersion).

Are Navy floggings calling your name? Here’s your ship, the ‘gunner’s daughter’ to tie your sailors to, and the cat o’nine tails; off you go.

Our country house welcomes spanking writers. The kitchen is ready to be populated with imaginary maids; feel free to examine our collectiong of corsets for dressing up your characters.

In reality, Abel and I often end up in inspiring locations, where my notebook fills to bursting with plot ideas (which we may never use, but still), but most of our actual writing happens at prosaic cafes, hotel rooms and the good old office at home. Our real school desk is a good start, but it’s not much help when I need to whip harem girls or mermaids.

Clearly, we need a wealthy benefactor with spare pervertible premises.

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I’ve just installed a new shower curtain. (Don’t laugh - that’s as advanced as I get when it comes to home maintenance). It’s covered in relevant words: “cleanse”, “purify”, “energise”, “refresh”, “invigorate”, “revive”.

I was reflecting that they’d missed a couple of the obvious phrases such as “wash”, “water”, “soap”, “clean the bath after you’ve used it, Haron, or else”. And it occured to me that it’s not without precedent for girls to find themselves being showered during scenes in our house. So I started reflect on the words that I want to add, for pre-punishment showers:

“Tremble”
“Flinch”
“Worry”
“Squirm”
“Cover”
“Blush”

…that sort of thing. I should go into shower curtain manufacturing: I could make a fortune.

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“Uh, no, thanks, darling, I don’t feel like shopping today.”

(Posted on Flikr by jddunn)

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Another nice one-liner on MySpace in mid-August came in a comment by Harvey on Christina’s page.

He listed ways in which “You Know You’re Greek”. After such characteristics as “At least 5 of your cousins live on your street” and “All 5 of those cousins are named after your grandfather”, he moved onto:

You have been spanked by your friend’s parents because your parents gave them permission to.

Any Greek readers out there care to share anecdotes?

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So, sometimes I go looking for spanking-related things on the news, but just as often they leap out at me when I’m innocently surfing by, botherin’ nobody. For example, I was looking up Robbie Coltrane in relation to the recently shown episode of Cracker, when this comes up:

Known as Robin, he was good at every subject - but he hated boarding school life and hid in the school chapel to escape beatings.

“I gave him the cane one day and suddenly realised that it was completely pointless,” admitted one former teacher. “It certainly had no effect on him whatsoever.”

Oh aye, I bet it didn’t. That’s why he hid in the chapel. :-/

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So, we went shopping for fancy dress. A local theatrical costumier hires out its stock.

“We’re after Regency era outfits for a party.”

“Pride and Prejudice?”

“No, spanking, actually.”

I didn’t say that, of course. Sometimes the truth can be just a little too truthful. But the young lady who helped us was so adorably cute, and so enthusiastic about our preparations, that I teased: “You’ll be wanting to come to the party yourself, next.”

Fortunately, we’d already given her the dates for the hire, and she’ll be at work. Just as well, really: much as I would have enjoyed her participation, I think she might have been just a tad taken aback.

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There’s been an online poll to distill top ten funniest typos in church magazines, and the second funniest entry was this:

The advent of the computer spellchecker has ensured that the church secretary doesn’t need to proofread the service sheets any more - or does he? In one church, the word “speaking” was spelt wrongly, so the spellchecker gave the nearest equivalent. As a result, puzzled worshippers sang…

“Teach us, Lord, the art of… spanking.”

It didn’t help that the next verse in the hymn begins with the words, “You release us from our bondage…”

Actually, I’m sure there are enough spankers out there who could benefit from divine instructions. Not implying anything about anyone here you know. *cough*

P.S. Check out the list of Bible Errata - the various printer’ errors that appeared in bibles through the ages.

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The best of the sex blogs this week by the bloggers who blog them. Spotlighting the top 3 posts voted by Sugasmer participants.

This Week’s Picks
Tempting Decisions — a dialogue (http://junohenry.wordpress.com)
Petting Teacher (http://dirtydetails.blogspot.com)
D-Day for Dior (http://theholidaylife.blogspot.com)

Mr. Sugasm Himself
Porn Fatigue (http://sugarbank.com)

Editors’ Choice
First Taste (http://engrailed.com)

More Sugasm
Join the Sugasm

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I don’t know. I go away for 36 hours, and come back to find that Haron has let herself get carried away in a post about the forthcoming Dickens World visitor attraction. In objecting to a comment by the enterprise’s Chief Executive, my young lady described him in most disparaging terms.

Readers will be pleased to hear that said uncomplimentary phrase has now been removed from the original post, and the young lady chastised for her misdemeanour in the most traditional manner. Indeed, I may say, in a manner most Dickensian in nature.

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I first became aware of the cane as a punishment implement while reading “David Copperfield”. I read the caning scenes over and over, until first I knew them by heart, and then the words began losing their meaning, becoming a collection of sounds. I owe a great deal of my kinky make-up to Charles Dickens.

That said, I don’t think I’m going to visit the upcoming Dickens theme park. I don’t think its creators are quite getting the meaning of the word ‘dickensian’. They have planned to build

“old curiosity shoppes” in mock-Victorian squares, a “haunted-house ride”, a “naughty burlesque show” to entertain adults in the evening, and a children’s play area called Fagin’s Den.

I’m all in favour of naughty burlesgue shows, but it isn’t exactly the first thing that comes to mind when you think about Dickens. Mucky orphans, debtors’ gaols and really, really sleazy lawyers are a little bit more it, don’t you think? I suppose, the problem is that making people pay to visit artificial slums might prove problematic.

Tell you what, Dickens World people: lay on some authentic dickensian canings, and I could be persuaded to visit.

P.S. Kevin Christie, the guy heading the whole operation, reckons that “you would be hard pressed to find anyone under 30 who can name five of [Dickens’s novels].” Dear Mr Christie, don’t patronise me and I won’t patronise you.

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