I wish other bloggers stopped giving Abel wicked ideas. For example, Lily’s husband has a habit of testing new implements by giving her 10 strokes. Luckily for her, the most recent one was a silicone spatula.

Unluckily for me, Abel has just bought a particularly ferocious antique knotted Malacca cane. He had, in fact, already tested it (one stroke over my jeans, which sent me howling to the ceiling). Except then he read Lily’s blog, and decided that it was necessary to implement what he sees as best practice in our family.

So, onto the bed I went, conveniently bare after my bath, and he duly delivered ten fast, biting licks of the cane. The pain from that thing is indescribable, and the inherent unfairness of the test (did I mention he’d already tested it?) made me say some things to him that might have swiftly turned this into a punishment if he wasn’t in a good mood. (Or if I didn’t shut up on time: I know what’s good for me.)

I’m going to lobby for the idea that new implements actually have to be tested on the spanker first.