I first became aware of the cane as a punishment implement while reading “David Copperfield”. I read the caning scenes over and over, until first I knew them by heart, and then the words began losing their meaning, becoming a collection of sounds. I owe a great deal of my kinky make-up to Charles Dickens.

That said, I don’t think I’m going to visit the upcoming Dickens theme park. I don’t think its creators are quite getting the meaning of the word ‘dickensian’. They have planned to build

“old curiosity shoppes” in mock-Victorian squares, a “haunted-house ride”, a “naughty burlesque show” to entertain adults in the evening, and a children’s play area called Fagin’s Den.

I’m all in favour of naughty burlesgue shows, but it isn’t exactly the first thing that comes to mind when you think about Dickens. Mucky orphans, debtors’ gaols and really, really sleazy lawyers are a little bit more it, don’t you think? I suppose, the problem is that making people pay to visit artificial slums might prove problematic.

Tell you what, Dickens World people: lay on some authentic dickensian canings, and I could be persuaded to visit.

P.S. Kevin Christie, the guy heading the whole operation, reckons that “you would be hard pressed to find anyone under 30 who can name five of [Dickens’s novels].” Dear Mr Christie, don’t patronise me and I won’t patronise you.

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