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We had a friend staying with us for the first time,* and, being the good hosts that we are, Abel and I decided it would be nice to take her sight-seeing.** After lunch we had planned a cathedral tour, and she and I were approaching it with a spring in our steps and some chewing-gum in our mouths.
I don’t think Abel approves of chewing-gum very much, although he doesn’t ban it, and even indulgently buys it for me.*** And now he discovered that he had not one, but two gum chewers on his hands. As we were approaching the grand cathedral doors, he told us that it wasn’t appropriate to chew gum in a cathedral, and to spit it out immediately.
I, being a wimp, tossed mine in the bin at once. Our friend, being cheeky, made big eyes and asked:
“What’s wrong with gum in a cathedral?”
“The cathedral is the house of God,” Abel explained in a slightly dangerous voice. “God doesn’t like chewing-gum. Spit it out, now.”
For a very frightening moment I thought she was actually going to spit it at Abel, but luckily she’s a polite girl, to an extent. She only said:
“Does it matter that I’m an atheist, sir?”
Feeling bad for my own earlier cowardice,**** I added:
“It’s her own gum, sir. She bought it. It’s her property. Why should she spit it out?”
Quietly getting to the boil (you can tell by the narrowing of his eyes), Abel too our friend by the shoulder and led her to the nearest bin:
“Somebody you don’t believe in disapproves of chewing-gum in his house. Bin, now.”
She made a great show of pretending to take it out, but then finally, encouraged by the squeezing of fingers on her shoulder and by the dangerous squinting of eyes in front of her, she got rid of the gum.
So you see, no spanking happened at that time. Because either we’re very cowardly, or Abel is very scary.
But we are still unclear on this fundamental issue: does God really disapprove of chewing-gum in church? If so, why? If not, how can we claim our gum back?
———————————————————————–
* feel free to identify yourself if you want!
** as nice as staring at the carpet all weekend is, we do allow our guests to go outside
*** if you felt like giving me a present, Marks&Spencer’s berry-flavoured is a current favourite
**** or, perhaps, inherent wisdom
Rob
November 20th, 2006 at 11:39 am
Haron: ‘Course God disapproves of chewing gum in church. This kind of information has been handed down from generation to generation, and is indisputable. What are they teaching in schools these days??? I don’t know…I don’t know…Lucky Abel was there to sort this one out.
Sarah
November 20th, 2006 at 1:41 pm
Chewing gum is the devils food Haron…horrid, horrid stuff that he uses to taunt the good, as can be seen by the mess made of pavements when it’s spat out without a care for the surroundings, or stuck under desks or on seats to ruin clothes, so of course God disapproves and doesn’t want people chewing the stuff in His House!
I’m totally with Abel on this one, whilst surprised he lets you chew the awful stuff at any time!
Perhaps it’s best not a good idea to try and claim your gum back…wouldn’t be very nice if you were made to go back to the Cathedral and reclaim the same piece would it? Ewww!
Lovely post though…
Amber
November 20th, 2006 at 6:20 pm
God doesn’t mind, but the communuity does. As long as you are not taking communion, which I am guessing you don’t, and are not attending mass, which I am guessing you don’t either, I don’t feel like you need to spit out your gum if you just walk in as a tourist. That’s my churchgoing take on it.
Minxette
November 20th, 2006 at 6:53 pm
* feel free to identify yourself if you want!
Okay then
What caused just a very little stubborn resistance on my part was the implication by Abel that, if he did not ensure I removed my gum before entering God’s House, that I was liable to leave it stuck on a pew for some unsuspecting worshipper the following morning, or perhaps strategically placed upon St Cuthbert’s nose for the general shock/horror/outrage of the congregation. I may not have great religious pretentions, but I *do* have enough respect for a beautiful and sacred place, and enough manners in general, to either keep it in my mouth or deposit it discreetly in a tissue whilst inside.
Sadly (or perhaps happily!) Abel later missed my comment to Haron that I was very tempted to try and get caught offering her a piece of replacement gum halfway round. He did glare at us very sternly though, in his belief that we were actually giggling over inappropriate references to the impressive organ on display
Janey
November 20th, 2006 at 7:24 pm
Hi Haron
I consider the chewing of gum in church to be along the same lines as swearing in a sacred place. Its a no no but I still have the urge to do it!
Of course I haven’t a hope in h-ll as on my second date with S I arrived chewing the spearmint kind. I knew the state of play when he cupped his hand in front of my mouth and I had to dispose of it right there and then. And that was a trip to a wine bar not a church!
Your discovery of the Marks & Spencer berry one does sound appealing though I am sure S is not concerned about the flavour at all, being a man of principles. Or perhaps as Abel might be a principal man!
Janey XXX
Rapunzel
November 20th, 2006 at 7:38 pm
Who’s impressive organ was on display? Abel’s or the Catherdral’s?
Iris
November 21st, 2006 at 4:54 am
As a fully qualified and *almost* fully credentialled member of the cloth (no really!), I can assure you that God does *not* care about chewing gum in church. Though I suspect that God might care a great deal about bossy tops trying to interpret God’s will and enforce it on otherwise pleasant young women.
Bessie Granger
November 21st, 2006 at 7:08 am
I don’t think God minds chewing gum in Church per se. However I do think it would be a bit rude to take communion with it in there, although maybe less so for Protestants, I dunno. I just don’t think Jesus needs my chewed up sticky mess attaching to him…
Anyway, I do think it can be a bit annoying to fellow churchgoers too. As a tourist though, noooooo problem at all! I think Abel is a silly head.
Amber
November 21st, 2006 at 4:15 pm
Bessie – the thing about communion is that you are not supposed to eat for at least an hour prior to taking communion if you’re a Catholic and fast the whole previous day or something like that if you are an Orthodox (don’t quote me on this one), so gum is out, as is everything else. My husband thinks, however, that the reason they tell you not to eat before church is because that can make you be late
. Can’t speak for the protestants, since they don’t have the idea of transsubstantiation but rather consubstantiation, and it’s not the same although I am not entirely sure what they understand by consubstantiation. Anyhow, it’s obviously not about Jesus, it’s about Abel liking to order girls around 
.
Sarah
November 21st, 2006 at 4:50 pm
I think it’s as much about the girls liking to be ordered around (at times
)as it is Abel liking to order them around…
I reckon it could or should be something that gets a mention in Harons etiquette book; While God Himself may be keeping His views to Himself about the chewing of gum in the Cathedral, it could certainly upset some of his devout followers who would see it as very disrespectful for tourists to wander around chomping on gum, and as it really can’t hurt to just not chew whilst visiting then surely it is just good manners not to. Same as visiting anyones home really, I wouldn’t like anyone coming to visit me to wander in with gum in their mouths, I’d think it plain yucky and rude!
Bessie Granger
November 21st, 2006 at 5:39 pm
Amber, funny I never included gum in the pre communion (or ash wednesday or fridays in lent) fast, because you don’t actually consume it. At least, I don’t. However I would never be comfortable actually chewing it at the same time as receiving… Does the church have an actual stance on gum during fast periods? I’d be interested to know.
Abel
November 21st, 2006 at 6:06 pm
As a non-believer, my anti-chewing gum action had nothing to do with whether God would have disapproved. As a gentleman, it had everything to do with good manners.
So there
I was proved to be in the right, mind, when the girls stopped for a conversation with the Cathedral’s chaplain. I would have positively hated it had they continued to chew, forcing him to take them off into a vestry to cane them for their breach of etiquette.
(And no, Rapunzel, I did not have my organ on show in the cathedral. You should be spanked for such a rude comment).
Haron
November 21st, 2006 at 6:08 pm
Oh, I was just going to suggest that Rapunzel comes over and finds out all about the organs on display.
Minxette
November 21st, 2006 at 11:42 pm
Sorry Abel, which would you have hated? Girls masticating (careful!) in front of a man of the cloth, or the thought of your charges being dragged off and thrashed in the vestry?
Presumably the latter, for bringing shame upon their mentor and thus requiring him to repeat the dose when they were returned home….
Oh c’mon, a girl’s allowed to fantasise
I have never found the idea of chewing gum so appealing!
Amber
November 22nd, 2006 at 3:37 pm
Bessie – it’s funny, I don’t think the Church said anything about gum – maybe the new Pope should call together a special committee, he loves rules better than anything else. Now, more interestingly, what does God or the Church, for that matter, think about God-fearing but kinky spouses engaging into sado-masochist activities? As far as I know, no where in the Bible does it say not to beat your wife – if anything else, it abounds with the examples of female subjugation. So that kinda makes me feel good.
Abel
November 22nd, 2006 at 8:37 pm
Minxette: you know full well that I would have loved it had the chaplain dragged you and Haron off into the vestry! (OK, if we all lived in a kinky world, I would have done. In r/l I’d have been calling the police!).
Amber – isn’t the bible full of “verily thou shalt thrash thy family soundly” type statements? So the pope would presumably approve – at least of marital kink. However, the thought of the pope in the same context as spanking is not something I want to dwell on…
Sexy Sadie
November 23rd, 2006 at 1:40 am
Wow. So much drama over gum. This was certainly an interesting debate! And Rapunzel, you are just begging for trouble, aren’t you?
I think the issue at hand is not whether God cares about the gum or Jesus either. I think the issue was clearly that Abel cared, and asked his companions to respect his wishes upon entering a building that was sacred to him.
Bessie Granger
November 23rd, 2006 at 5:38 am
Get him to tell you about how *he* behaved within that same Cathedral’s sacred walls the time I got to go to Morning Prayer with him… Wasn’t so sacred then, was it Abel?
Abel
November 23rd, 2006 at 7:09 pm
Sadie – I certainly hope that Rapunzel is begging for trouble
Bessie – is it so wrong to insist that a young lady stands up and sits down regularly at appropriate intervals during a church service, no matter whether that causes her discomfort? Is it bad form for penitents to be made to sit on the hardest pews?
Sarah
November 23rd, 2006 at 7:42 pm
Lol! I just KNEW that’s what you must have done to poor Bessie Abel… I have been treated the same way many many times, it’s amazing how many hard seats there are about!
Abel
November 23rd, 2006 at 8:53 pm
Sarah – quite what are you accusing me of?
Bessie Granger
November 24th, 2006 at 7:09 am
Oh Abel, the standing and sitting isn’t really what I was refering to… I was thinking more about the whales, and the fits of laughter….
Sarah
November 24th, 2006 at 7:51 am
Whales and giggles…curiouser and curiouser! Do tell us more? I think I need to visit Cathedrals more often, they seem much more fun than I recall…
Amber
November 24th, 2006 at 8:41 pm
Abel – the reason why the pope would approve is not because, say Abraham treated Sarah as goods vs. as person but because sex and all that has to do with it, as long as it’s in the context of heterosexual marriage and is not opposed to procreation, is good, holy, and pleasing to God. This ain’t no narrow minded literal fundamentalism for ya.
As to the kind of things you do during service, you mention seating on hard pews or standing during parts of the service, but don’t forget about kneeling as one of those things to add to the girl’s discomfort, which I personally don’t enjoy.
Abel
November 24th, 2006 at 10:33 pm
Amber – so the pope thinks I should have more sex, then? Oh, damn, he imposes small print on the deal… And as for this particular girl, it was the sitting down that brought an interesting look to her face.
Sarah – do read the evensong order of service; the funny whale references may become clearer…
Rob
November 25th, 2006 at 2:20 am
Isn’t it fascinating where chewing gum can take a conversation – fundamentalism, sex…. It sure hit a nerve. The most recent transgression of rules at a girls’ school here is wearing a nose stud – and the insistance that it be removed for events deemed “not appropriate” (church services would be considered one such event.) I wonder where that subject would take us….
Amber
November 25th, 2006 at 5:26 am
Abel – well, no, the print is actually large. Pope John Paul II had the whole thing called Theology of the Body, but that gets to be a long conversation. Anyway, to make the long story short, the Pope was simply saying that you should use your body for the purpose God gave it to you – to fulfill your vocation for this or that, marriage being one of the forms of vocation. (Think about it that way – if God didn’t want us to, say, have the insentive of climax in order to procreate and even simply establish the right kind of bond with our spouse, and would have wanted our children to, say, come out of our ear every other full moon instead, he would have created it that way).
Christopher
January 12th, 2009 at 4:02 am
I do not think that God cares about gum in churches/cathedrals as long as it is not used in a disrespectful manner.
and BTW if someone ask, or tells you not to do something that they thinkis wrong then, out of respect for that person you should do as the ask.