The Spanking Writers

Saturday. 7.03 a.m.

My darling wife’s downstairs, curled up in pyjamas on the sofa with a book. That book. She joined the hoards at the local Waterstone’s at midnight; returned home triumphant; hasn’t been to bed. And she’s still only half way through (page 356, to be precise).

Naturally, when I woke, I too pondered the plot of the final work of the Harry Potter series. Or, at least, the one major outstanding issue… Hermione must surely be caned in this one. Surely? Please?

And then my thoughts turned darker. A daddy, walking sleepily downstairs first thing in the morning. Catching his daughter reading; realising that she’d been up all night. Without permission, of course. Indeed, against his specific instructions.

Tearing the book from her hands. Dragging her upstairs, bending her over the end of the bed. Thrashing her soundly on the bare with his thick leather belt – for staying up late, and for disobeying him.

I mentioned my idea to Haron as I flicked on the machine to make a much-needed coffee. “Don’t touch my book,” was the grumpy refrain. That’d be ‘no’ to playing a scene, then…

PS No, we don’t want anyone posting helpful hints about the ending to save Haron some reading time, thank you very much.

The Rev A R Cooper served as Principal of The Bishop’s School, Poona, from 1919-1946:

Discipline was strict and corporal punishment was common. Masters were allowed to use the ruler on boys’ hands but only the Head could use the cane. In his office he had half as dozen canes and the lampshade above was torn, testifying to the height to which he raised the cane!

The writer of the school history claims that ” the awesome experience of being caned was far worse than the actual caning”. Perhaps the ceilings were too low?

Your correspondent is able to report exclusively that floggings are imminent for a queue of girls in school uniforms in London’s Piccadilly.

Staff at the punishment centre were seen moments ago carrying large bundles of freshly-cut birches into the building.

(Haron assures me that the young ladies are awaiting tomorrow’s Harry Potter launch party in the big Waterstone’s branch, and that the implements were broomsticks, but we all know better…..)

Last night we played a quick scene, both in our pyjamas – I was a schoolgirl caught wandering the corridors at night, Abel was the housemaster who caught her.

He demanded to be told what I was doing out of bed so late. I was tempted to see if he could keep a straight face:

“I wanted to see the lunar eclipse, sir.”

Not a giggle from him: “Given the last one was in May 2006, you may have had to wait for a long time. Now, the truth.”

Obviously, I got it worse for lying. First came four crisp, firm whacks over the pyjamas for wandering about, then four more on my bare bottom – pyjamas pulled down but not right down, just to bare enough flesh to stripe.

Then we admired my stripes together, and cuddled.

“Did you like my excuse?” I asked.

“Did you like my response?” he asked back.

“Yeah, but actually,” I said, “there was a full lunar eclipse in March this year; I just thought I wouldn’t bring it up.”
“Really?” he said. “Well, you would have still got the cane.”

Funny how that happens… eclipse or no eclipse.

Reading the quite dreadful* shortlist for the prestigious Mercury Music Prize, announced yesterday, I noticed one or two pervy-sounding titles. The interestingly named Bat for Lashes are shortlisted for “Fur and Gold”. “Fantastic Playroom” sounds appealing, until one realizes it’s by the New Young Pony Club, which isn’t really my kink.

And there’s more. “Favourite Worst Nightmare” refers presumably not to an Arctic Monkeys song, but to girls waking in the night dreading canings. Hopefully one of their friends would be on hand to help with “Panic Prevention” (Jamie T).

There’s Dizzee Rascal’s “Maths and English”, the classes in which girls are most likely to get into trouble. Lots of shouting from girls running wild, being brought back under control by the schoolmasters: “Voices of Animals and Men” (The Young Knives), maybe. At least they’d be in their school uniform – “Back to Black” (Amy Winehouse).

The canings would be painful, but Fionn Regan exaggerates to say that they’re “The End of History”.

And don’t have nightmares. As the Klaxons say, these ramblings are all just “Myths of the Near Future”, but it’s good that “We Can Create” such kinky illusions from something as mundane as a list of albums. (That last one’s by Maps, if you were wondering).

* One assumes the judges were too busy to listen to the albums by Mika, The Editors or Brett Anderson, all of which put the stuff on their shortlist to shame.

PS if anyone can think of any kinky spin on “Basquiat Strings” by Basquiat Strings with Seb Rochford – Basquiat Strings, or The View’s “Hats off to the Buskers”, they’re far pervier than me.

Friends often hear us preach about our favourite London cafe “Coffee, Cake and Kink”. It’s a really great place.* Many people think so – indeed, Abel has managed to meet a colleague there.

To help the rest of you appreciate what a wonderful spot it is for kinky people, here’s a scan of a promotional post-card I’ve picked up there.

I’m posting it because it’s so charmingly depraved. Only a very kinky person could imagine that a teddy-bear could be in need of a g-string!
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* I’ve grown to appreciate it even more since I’ve learned to find my way there all by myself from Covent Garden station. It’s only taken about three years to memorise the two turns you have to take.

We’ve popped up on two other sites in the past couple of days.

Haron’s been involved in the wonderful Lowewood Academy story-writing site for the best part of a year. Abel’s now joined the academic staff (scroll down to the bottom of the page for his character’s profile), and will be writing occasionally as the school chaplain. His first post appeared this morning. (No, the accompanying picture is not really of Abel!).

And we were featured yesterday across at Blog Interviewer. You can read our interview here – if you like our site, do be kind and click on the nice “thumbs up” graphic above our interview.

A competition for you… I was idly browsing for inspiration last week, and was surprised at how many spanking-related phrases turned up no results whatsoever on Google. Here’s ten that I tried that were sadly absent from existing web pages:

“the girl was tied to the mast and flogged”
“the headmaster caned the girls soundly”
“he placed her over his knee and spanked her”
“the tawse cracked down on her outstretched hand”
“report to my study to be punished”
“the headmistress will cane you now”
“I will not tolerate lax discipline in this school”
“she bent over his desk for a paddling”
“he tawsed the girl in front of the entire school”
“the punished girl needed comforting”

So, over to you. Any other spanking-related phrases that you feel need introducing to the web for the first time?!

There was an article about Maggie Gyllenhaal in one of last week’s Sunday papers. There were a couple of paragraphs there about ‘Secretary’, including this one about her working relationship with James Spader:

These days, she is guarded about discussing this, saying only that “despite myself, sometimes the dynamic that you are exploring in your work spills into your life”.

I don’t think she meant it the way I’m reading it!

Even though I don’t think ‘Secretary’ is the spanking enthusiast’s ultimate movie, I’m still sort of sentimental about it. This quote works for me in a kinky way.

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* I don’t know which; I just ripped out the good bit. Oops.

We love getting comments on our posts – it’s part of what makes blogging worthwhile. But it never ceases to amaze me how much spam shows up for the comments section of our blog: many thousands of items a month. Fortunately, our spam filter spares us, and you, from the worst excesses of these deeply irritating notes.

That said, we do always risk deleting links that might interest some readers. I should therefore apologise to those of you who would happily have clicked on the links we deleted this morning to ‘wet thongs’, ‘trashy lingerie’ or ‘busty babes’.

I was tempted to reply sternly to the ‘fighting girls’. We all know what consequences they should face. And as for the young lady – a ‘University student’, no less – who wanted our readers to purchase ‘rabbit vibrators’…

(Poor bunnies. Someone should call the animal protection people).

That said, The Spanking Writers is apparently ‘awesome’, ‘great’, ‘nice’, ‘wonderful’, ‘informative’, ‘cool’ and ‘the greatest’. We promise not to let the honour of being so-praised by computers around the world go to our heads.

Pride of place, though, went to the poster who commented: ‘Your site is very useful’. Ahem.