Anyone here ever taken one of those interminable long-haul flights to some distant land, which stop over for a couple of hours at some randomly-chosen midpoint for a change of crew? Take London to Sydney, via Bangkok, or something similar?

A conversation with a colleague who’s about to head off on some such journey inspired a naughty little fantasy. The girls of a distinguished Scottish* Academy would be heading around the world for an exchange trip to their sister school. School uniforms themselves being too impractical, the young ladies would dress identically in white polo shirts with the school crest, and navy blue tracksuits.

It would be a large group – perhaps the entire Lower Sixth would be travelling, say sixty or eighty girls. The Headmistress would travel with them, accompanied by a small number of staff trusted for their ability to maintain good order.

The young ladies would be in high spirits on the internal flight from Edinburgh to London. It would be on the first intercontinental leg of the journey that their conduct would get out of hand. Colonising an entire block of seating at the rear of the plane, they’d sneak alcoholic drinks from the trolley, clamber over chairs, the noise levels becoming intolerable to fellow passengers. The Captain would ask to “have a quiet word” with the Headmistress, as a result of the barrage of complaints.

Yet after the stopover, the young ladies’ behaviour would be immaculate for the final stretch of the trip. Silence would prevail amongst the cuddling girls, save for an occasional sniffle. Passengers would be astonished: what might have brought about the change? They’d look at the Headmistress in awe: the power of words, they’d think, amazed at the effectiveness of the scolding she must have given after leading her girls into a side room at the airport.

Few would have imagined the truth: the XH Lochgelly brought forth from her hand luggage; those tracksuit bottoms pulled down, the searing strokes across each girl’s backside (”eight, given the degree of misconduct I have just had to witness, and the shame you have brought on the school”) guaranteeing perfect conduct once they had returned, uncomfortably, to their plane seats.

* It’d have to be Scottish. A tawse fits neatly into hand luggage; canes do not.

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