I’ve been a little tardy of late in catching up with other sites I love, and so I nearly missed a truly marvellous post from November by our friend Natty, whose blog is always so wonderful. She starts:
A few months ago my best friend T. and I were talking about the process we each went through in discovering our core sexuality (homosexuality for him, spanking for me). At one point we began comparing when this exploration took place and he suddenly exclaimed, “oh wow — you came out the same time I did!”
I love this application of the concept of “coming out” to the path so many of us tread as spankos – brave steps, albeit often tinged with (perhaps irrational) terror. I’m not sure it’s a simple one-stage process, though: it has facets of evolution, not overnight revolution. So let me build on Natty’s idea and postulate my own theory of the five stages of ‘coming out’ as it applies to those of us “into” spanking:
Step 1 – coming out to oneself. This is what I like. There are other people like me. This is not unusual or sick. This is an important part of who I am.
Step 2 – coming out to the virtual kinky world: delurking online, perhaps via comments on blogs like this, a contribution to a spanking forum or (in my case) a post to the soc.sexuality.spanking newsgroup. (“Oh my goodness will the police arrive at my door within minutes? And what if someone I know reads this?”)
Step 3 – coming out into the real-life kinky world. Meeting another spanko in the flesh for the first time – possibly to chat, eventually to play. (Will they be safe, sane, ‘normal’? Will we get arrested, be on the front page of the newspapers?)
Step 4 – coming out to carefully selected real-life vanilla folks: sharing that one has kinky interests with a very few friends / relatives / colleagues. (Soliciting promises that “you won’t tell anyone, will you?” And finding that they are completely unfazed, yet often somewhat curious – and impressed at your self-awareness).
Step 5 – coming out to all and sundry. Reaching the point when frankly, my dear, you don’t give a damn who knows – and if they have a problem with it, it’s their problem.
I’m through levels one to four, but leaping to that fifth stage still remains a step too far for me – as it does for many, most of our kinky friends.
I wonder: where are you on the path? Did you work through the process in the same order? Where do you want to be on your “coming out” journey by the end of this year?
(And if you’re not yet at step 2, but are feeling bold enough at the start of this new year to embrace something so important to you, why not say comment or email to say “hi”?)
Really interesting post Abel, thanks.
First off, I wouldn’t identify as a “spanko” as such; I’m definitely a sub into bondage, but I think it’s the same in terms of stages…
I was at most of stage one all my life, in that I knew that’s what I was and I never thought it was wrong. The key for me was last November-ish (Nov 2006) discovering that key thing – there are other people out there like me. Until then, naively, I’d assumed that I was alone. I knew there were prodommes, and that was it. I didn’t realise there were other people out there who wanted to do the things I do – and I really didn’t realise there were other people out there who wanted to treat me the way I want to be treated! Naive, I know. Especially for someone who spends a whole heap of time on the internet…
Anyway, that discovery having been made via a specific website, the other stages all came in a rush – joining that website, meeting fellow kinksters, outing myself to my friends (who indeed have all been supportive, and in the main incredibly fascinated too) – and generally feeling “whole” for the first time in my life. I’d say those things all happened within a month.
As for step 5 – I think I may be there too, but in a passive way. If my employer found out, I wouldn’t be bothered, but I’m not about to tell them. Ditto my parents. I’m very fortunate in that I have little to lose – no children etc. – so being “outed” wouldn’t be an issue – or interesting to the media either! But I still keep a large amount private, either because no-one need know or to protect those that I indulge with.
It’s been an interesting journey – and continues to be so. Do I regret that it took me so long? No, not really. It happened when it happened, and I’m just ever so thankful it did. Like I said, I suddenly feel like I’m “me” all the time now, instead of hiding or controlling a large part of who I am. I’ve also met some lovely people, and made some wonderful friends.
So, despite my not being a spanko ;-), thanks to you and Haron for the part you’ve played in that journey too!
(I’ll shut up now and let someone else get a word in edgeways.)
What an excellent post…
I’m not sure I recall step 1, I always knew what I liked, have never ever considered that it was sick and with the confidence of youth I was more likely to think that it was everyone else who were unusual because they didn’t see spanking as an integral part of playtime. I remember the games I used to come up with when staying at friends houses as a child and don’t recall much opposition to the “well we can play that I was naughty and you have to spank me, then we can play that you were naughty and I have to spank you” scenarios that I dreamed up for us, and of course school scenes were easy because school was what we knew, what we did every day, so my setting homework to get wrong and be spanked for wasn’t too far from the truth…. ish!
I suppose growing up I did become more aware that not everyone liked the same games as me, and ended up in vanilla relationships because I’d not fully grasped that my kinky leanings would be best shared with someone else, I never doubted that others felt the same way as I did, I just didn’t know those people…
I think then it was step 4, there are many people in my life who have always known about my kink, I’ve not really hidden it from family and close friends, steming back to my childhood confidence of thinking it was others who perhaps had the problem, not me! It’s not something that gets discussed, well not so much by me but I have been introduced to people by my mother… “this is Sarah, she’s the kinky one in the family” She also didn’t bat an eyelid when I asked her to chop back the silver birch in her garden so I could make birch rods, and was happy to tell everyone she knows how she helped my to tie them up properly, so thinking about it, perhaps it’s not so much me coming out, more like I’m constantly being outed by my mother…
Then there was step 2, the online world, which has been truly marvellous, reading things, commenting on things and enjoying finding the people who I never doubted were out there, but hadn’t known how to find until now…
…and then, step 3, meeting people, or at least one person to begin with, I found my beloved on the Internet some years ago and it has been fantastic to explore our kink together, and now I am happy to meet others if and when the opportunity arises, as friends, perhaps to play, all still very new to me but I know that if any kinky people I might meet in the future turned out ot be even a tiny bit as lovely and such good company as Haron and Abel then I can’t wait!
As for step 5, mostly I’ll leave that to my mother to do for me, but I’m not really bothered who knows, but to be fair, it doesn’t often come into the conversation. I do believe that if anyone finds out and they have a problem with it, it’s their problem. I’m happy with who I am, very happy
I’ve always known I was into spanking. It’s as far back as my memory goes. But I didn’t realize there were so many people into it. Though I had met a few people and played with them I thought that spanking was something that I would have to give up and keep private for the rest of my life.
I have been in a vanilla marriage with a lot of problems for the last ten years. I told my husband I was into spanking and he wasn’t interested. About five years after that, he tried spanking me but he’s so clearly not into it that it makes me really unhappy. We don’t have vanilla sex either, for a long time we didn’t have sex at all an now he feels like a brother to me. I don’t want to cheat on him, so I will have to leave or just have a fantasy sex life. I’m very depressed and frustrated. I’m nearly 40 and I’m scared to be on my own.
The lesson here is, if you are into spanking be honest with yourself and your partners.
I would really like to get to the point where I am able to meet other people offline who are into spanking.
At least my constant sense of frustration is helping me to write some pretty good spanking stories.
I’ve been at step 1 for many years, and reached step 2 last year when I finally discovered the wonderful world of kink on the internet, and all the great blogs like this one.
I have toyed with step 3. I belong to a google group of like-minded individuals who live in my city, and they meet regularly in a vanilla setting. But ‘the circle is small’ and I’m afraid I’d meet someone I know.
Step 4 – maybe some day.
Step 5 – when I’m retired!
Hermione – Why would you worry about meeting someone you know if you met up with the google group? If they are like-minded wouldn’t that be a good thing?
I think you might want to break step 1 into two halves. For met at least there was a big gap between: “This is what I like, This is an important part of who I am.” and “There are other people like me. This is not unusual or sick.”
I think other people’s journey’s are always so interesting, what I find funny is that most people seem to take some time to de-lurk or discover themselves- I lept onto the internet and declared myself almost the day that I turned eighteen, I guess I’m on step four, which I’m quite proud of considering that I’ve been “Out” For a year. It’s so interesting to compare it to comming out as gay, that’s how I’ve always thought of it. I was so terrified of telling my freinds, but acutally they’ve been lovely- even if my best freind does insist of refurring to the “Spanking Soceity” at really inapropriate times. (To be really cheesy) I’m so glad that everyone here who’s posted so far has “Come out” Some of the nicest people that I’ve ever conversed with I’ve met because of the one connection that we have- it’s quite a powerful bond and I’m so glad that I’ve got a “Fetish” that comes with such lovely people…
Wow that was a long comment.
I guess I’d say I’m exploring step 2: reading lots of blogs but rarely getting the courage to comment for fear of sounding like the hopeless novice that I am. The lack of responses when I do comment has been a little disheartening so I tend to just lurk these days!
In the spirit of de-lurking though, I’ll say that this and Lowewood are my favourite blogs, so thanks Abel and Haron (and the other Lowewood authors) for your very enjoyable writing.
Hi Lazarina *waves*
I think that no matter whichever other steps we’ve all explored… be they 1, 4, 5 or 354 (bet someone could come up with that many) number 2 is one which we can all find ourselves feeling like hopeless novices at, there is just so much to discover on the internet, I find new and exciting things almost daily and sometimes lurk and sometimes join in. Hope you find somewhere (hopefully here
) where you won’t feel disheartened and can enjoy being part of the community
Hiya Lazarina
*Big Smile- Sinister voice…*
Welcome to the house of fun…
Heh.
X
I’d say I’m pretty much all the way out- although I’m not sure if I’m truly a step 5 or not. I’ve been outted to my family and to vanilla coworkers though, and my butt is all over the internet so the likelihood is that it will happen again if I ever take a straight job.
I don’t announce myself as kinky in overtly vanilla situations though. I don’t know if it counts if you don’t initiate it yourself.
I think I’m a bit unusual because I didn’t know I liked spanking or was kinky until an ex boyfriend spanked me for winding him up a couple of years ago. We eventually split up, went our separate ways and I had a couple of vanilla boyfriends last year who I tried to coax into playing but came out with helpful suggestions like “maybe you should go to the gym more and that will help…” which given I was already doing 6 days a week was not too helpful.
I guess I knew I enjoyed but properly took step 1 in the summer and joined a website (or step 2) and started meeting people and playing pretty quickly…so that was step 3. Step 4 is a not quite- one of my very good friends from uni knows and thought it was hilarious but is quite curious, my safecall and always keen for the gory details- rather like we were at uni. I can’t see me telling many more people and shall have to learn to keep my mouth shut playing drinking games. I don’t think my family NEED to know and it would just upset them, I’m a professional (hahaha yes I know) and I’m not sure I’d want all my friends to know.
I’m totaly with Chloe- I really don’t think that my family need to know about this stuff… After all I still use their internet connection to get onto all my websites- I’d really like them to not go and get NetNanny in an attempt to “Fix me.” I expect it would be quite difficult to understand as a parent.
I’m all for being open and accepting – especially with yourself – but I think maybe I’m missing something…why all the openness with other people? I am certainly going to tell my significant other (once I have one…sigh) about my interests or even a close friend, if one should ask, but I’m not about to have any sort of “coming out” party. I guess, from my naive perspective, I don’t really understand the need or appeal.
I’m through steps 1, 2 & sort-of 4, but I’ve skipped 3. Some friends know of my masochist-y preferences (I can’t really bring myself to say ‘spanking’ out loud yet), but I’m still hesitant about entering The Scene. Maybe 2008 will be my breakthrough year?
I was always obsessed with spanking; I didn’t realize it was a sexual obsession til I was 11 or 12. I didn’t realize people shared my exact obsession until I started college, three years ago. Since then I’ve been inching my way “out” on the internet world.
And I’ve also been coming out as bi/queer/pansexual… easier for me to talk about, much more difficult for me to figure out. I am absolutely a hardwired spanko, but being a bi chick carries a lot of complicated baggage (people tend to think you’re hiding true straightness or true gayness, and it can make one doubt oneself. lame.)
But enough me rambling…thanks for the great post! And I’ll echo the praise for this blog and Lowewood. It’s the best spanking writing out there. happy new year!
Thanks Sarah and Evie
I suppose I’ve been quite happy to lurk, as I’ve always thought I’d be too timid to enter the ‘scene’ in real life. I’m lucky enough to have a boyfriend who, while not as into spanking as I am, has helped me explore my fantasies – and found that he actually rather enjoys spanking me! He even looked up the local BDSM society for me, so maybe this year’ll be the year I finally pluck up courage and attend one of their socials…
Go at your own pace Lazarina. I’m sure you’ll find people out there happy to meet up with you, to chat or to play, as and when you want to.
I’ve loved this post and reading the responses: I can’t recall another post on Spanking Writers which has prompted so many long and detailed replies! Whilst I agree with Megs’ comment about the splitting of step 1, I found myself nodding and agreeing throughout Abel’s description of his journey into spanking – it is very similar to my own.
I spent years knowing that cp and submission fascinated me but having no idea why, no idea that there was a sexual element to it and convinced that I was a filthy pervert and no one must ever know about these depraved thoughts! Looking back now, I find all that hard to believe, but it was certainly true for a long time. It was only after my vanilla marriage ended in my mid-20s, and I was suddenly, abruptly alone, that I decided to explore. I did the classic thing: typed spanking terms into a search engine and found a whole new world opened up! From that moment, my life began to change for the better, and I finally began to understand myself. Following on quickly from that, I realised that I was not alone and that perhaps, if I was very lucky, I might be able to find real people with whom to indulge my kink.
To cut a long story short, I did! I’m a comfortable step 4 now and so much happier than previously. My close family and a couple of vanilla friends know about my lifestyle. They are a little nonplussed but I’m glad I can be honest with them. I wish I felt that I could be open with everybody but sadly it’s not practical or sensible. There are people I’ve told in the past who I thought could handle the knowledge but who definitely couldn’t, and it irrevoccably altered those friendships. I’m more careful now, and I wish I didn’t have to be. Step 4 is a good place to be though! Thanks so much, Abel and Haron, for allowing us to share your own journey and for prompting such an interesting discussion!
My progression has been fairly rapid through the steps, up until a point.
Step 1 only came for me about 18 months ago and I can’t believe now that I didn’t know that I was a spanko sooner. Having moved into my own flat (after sharing) definately helped my confidence in being able to look at more *ahem* informative websites
Step 2 came quickly after step 1 and although I do err more on the side of lurking than not, I do post/comment occasionally. I experienced a similar feeling of being a hopeless novice that others have expressed but in time that is getting better.
Step 3 is on it’s way and with the help and support of my lovely other half, I will hopefully be going to the nearest thing we have to a munch here in Ireland. It doesn’t help that the country is quite anti-kink but things are moving on and the fact that there are meetings out there is good.
I don’t know how soon or if I will get to steps 4 and 5. I like others, have quite a responsible job where these sorts of things would be looked down upon. I also don’t know how much it would be anyone else’s business what I do in my private life. In terms of family – I certainly don’t want to know what pecadillos they might have and I’m sure the feeling is mutual!
Finally (phew, long post!) I would like to thank people like Abel and Haron for providing an open, fun and interesting blog. I’ve been reading for around a year now and I feel like in a small, tiny way I share in the ups and downs of your lives.
As I told Abel by e-mail yesterday, Natty’s post inspired me to delurk on SSS in late November, so I won’t reply pubicly with my own story (again). I just wanted to say that this discussion has been so wonderful– thanks to Abel for starting it and to everybody for sharing. It was especially nice to learn a little more from some of the regular commenters at Lowewood.
Lazarina, your post really hit home with me. It took me a long time to start commenting regularly on sites for the same reasons you describe. For some reason, stating openly on SSS (whether or not anybody read it) that I had always had a sexual interest in spanking but had never been spanked made it much easier to comment elsewhere. I still tend to comment more on sites in which the bloggers comment back, which usually translates to blogs that post less frequently and have a smaller readership. I started mostly on Lowewood, because the comment section is pretty light-hearted and requires no great understanding. Of course, I occasionally wish the polls had answers for the inexperienced among us: Favorite implement? Cane/tawse/hand/wish I knew. Usual position? OTK/over desk/touching toes/only in my dreams, I’m afraid. I suspect we’d find there are more readers in our shoes than we realized. Anyway, I look forward to hearing more from you as the muse strikes.
Evie, it’s just great that you were able to “come out” without the angst and delays many of us experience. I’ve been wondering a lot lately about why it’s so much easier for some than for others. That’s probably as impossible a question to answer as why we are kinky in the first place.
Martha, I’ve really enjoyed your posts on this site!
Thanks again, Abel.
I’m floored by the variety and complexity of everybody’s experiences; thank you for sharing with us, people. (We were on an intercontinental flight when this post came up, thus the slowness of our commenting!)
Indigo Velvet – Without trying to sound unreasonably optimistic on the basis of not very much information, I think that the advantage of being honest with yourself and your partner (as you said) takes you pretty much halfway to other stages of coming out. It may be impractical or difficult for you now, but sooner or later you’ll get yourself into the position where you can meet up with others and bring your fantasies to life. It’s all working out the emotional logistics, you know? Hope it’s sooner rather than later for you
Lazarina – Lurking is good; delurking is better
Despite what it may look like, I’m not brave enough for the public scene either; I’ve never seen the inside of a BDSM club, and don’t really want to, either. But I assure you, meeting a couple of people at a time limbers you up socially, and before you know it, you’ve met lots of people you can play with 
Lizzie – coming out is certainly not a requirement, particularly if your partner is the only person you will ever want to play with, or discuss spanking with. The appeal, hmmm… Well, for me, for example, the appeal is to be able to tell my parents where the bulk of my income comes from. They don’t want to know much more than “Yes, mum, I do write for a living, but honestly, you wouldn’t want to read it, because it’s very specialised erotica”, but it helps them to know it. Also, I quite like to be able to leave our books, pictures and toys lying around when people come visiting
Graham – your journey sounds very much like mine, including the bi/pansexual part, and it being somewhat more difficult to figure out.
I’ll probably always be at step two due to my current circumstances and the impact of me doing anything else would have on too many people.
However I just want to say a huge thank you to Abel,Haron and all the other contributors for this fabulous site.
I love coming here and it has made me realise that my longings are as normal as those of anyone else however different they may be.
Thanks for all the fab stories and for planting the seeds that have given me much food for thought!
Who knows,one day……………….?
H x
I’m astonished and delighted at the way this post struck such a chord with so many people – in the way Natty’s original post did for me. (And, again, she deserves all of the credit for originating the key idea of ‘coming out’ for spankos).
The debate has highlighted so many things I love about the way this blog has turned out: that it’s a place where people find ideas that seem interesting or relevant, a place where people can feel comfortable sharing their own thoughts (even if they’ve not actively posted much elsewhere), and a sense of community (the debate really flying, with comments back and forth while Haron and I were stuck on planes, then too jetlagged to be compos mentis).
So many comments rang bells for me personally, and if the discussion’s helped anyone to work out where they are on their journey, where they want to end up on that journey (different for all of us, whether being part of an active scene, or being able to play confidently with one’s significant other), and to help them summon up the confidence to move to the next step if their journey is still ongoing – then it’s been a great start to our blogging year. Thank you, all.
These comments were all great reading but at this time in my life I particularly connect with Haron’s comment that to be able to tell people about my writing would be terrific. On one silly day I told friends and on another silly day, my mother that I write stories, and of course, then they wanted to read them, which just won’t work. One group of gals had me sending them in to our leading newspaper for the summer competition and I had to eventually insist that the paper just wouldn’t be interested as they were “sort of erotic”. I just wish I had a photograph of their faces!!
Actually, the credit belongs to my friend, T., who compared my own experience to “coming out”. Even if he hasn’t read the post I wrote. ::grin:
(He knows I have a spanking blog but I’ve never quite directed him in its direction.)
Glad it resonated with you and this post resonated with more!
Step 1 was from age 11 to 20 – what an amazing discovery when I finally got up the courage to buy a spanking mag from a sex shop.
Step 2 was not possible as there was no internet – unless you count advert cards in phone boxes near London stations. So jump straight to-
Step 3 Age 24 Respond to an advert. I have never felt so nervous and excited and scared at the same time. Repeat as necessary for the next 20 or so years.
Now go back and do stage 2 – today.
I discovered your blog over Christmas and really enjoyed it and the earlier stories. Thank you for the perfect opportunity to engage with like minded people.
J
Jonathan – that’s such a wonderful comment: thanks so much for sharing, and it’s great (in this case) to have helped you take a step backwards after 20 years!
I am outwardly very normal, in a vanilla relationship, kids, the lot. However, have a secret private life which is anything but, and which I used to blog. Unfortunately, the blog was discovered by my sister, who is anything but vanilla (eg, she has a fully equipped dungeon in her cellar). Her response? Not surprised, and not judgemental – just don’t hurt the family. After all, she said, there was no way she cold survive in a vanilla relationship without some outlet, so why should she expect others to. It’s just the way things are.
I went through step one when I was in my young teens, skipped right past step 2 for the most part, went through the rest of the steps before I was even legal age (Eighteen here), and only now in the past year am I finally going through step 2 with a blog (That I didn’t call any attention to for a good year…), an online profile, and now, at last, commenting on various blogs.
Hi, Gypsy
Welcome! Great to hear from you.
Really like your blog. (Readers, click on Gypsy’s name if you want some excellent writing). Stand-out phrase? About participating in “forums where I feel accepted and secure enough to say out loud ‘I like being… treated so rough that if my friends from junior high could see me they’d think I was in an abusive relationship’. Wonderful. Please keep commenting!