The Spanking Writers

A couple of weeks ago our reader Jonathan sent me a startle he noticed in the movie “The Negotiator”. The point of the startle is that a police negotiator (Danny) loses it and takes hostages; when his team arrive to negotiate with him, he teaches one of them (Farley) a little lesson in technique. Apparently, one must never say “No” to a hostage taker:

Danny: You ever cheat on your wife?
Farley: No.
Danny: Watch yourself. I’ll kill someone. You ever cheat on your wife? Answer!
Farley: I’ll see what I can do. I’ll have to think about that. I’ll look into that.
Danny: You ever… dress up like a schoolgirl and get your ass spanked?
Farley: Look, all I want to do is talk to you.
Danny: I am talking! Did you or did you not dress up like a schoolgirl and get your ass spanked?
Farley: Have to look into that, Danny.
Danny: Nothing against you dressing up like a girl… but I didn’t know that about you, Farley.

(Thanks, Jonathan, for transcribing it for us!)

Anyway, how about a party game?

One side asks questions, and the other side must answer, but the answer can’t be “No”. If they say “No”, they lose points, but if the question is something like “have you done such-and-such naughty thing”, and they don’t manage to work around the answer somehow, they get spanked for being naughty.

Mmm, this could be fun…

1 Comment »

From the introduction to a governmental report, “The State of Bamboo and Rattan Development in Indonesia”:

Approximately 60 to 80% of the world rattan demand comes from Indonesia. Over the last five years, Indonesia has produced about 120,000 tons of rattan material with the total export volume of approximately 80,000 tons annually, and domestic consume of about 35% of the total rattan production.

40,000 tons? Let’s see. How much does an average cane weight? Two ounces? Quick maths: that’s a billion canes per year. So if you see any Indonesian lasses sitting uncomfortably, you know why.

What? you mean rattan has other uses? But what a waste…

4 Comments »

The other morning people on the radio were moaning about celebrity endorsement. How it didn’t add anything to the product, other than an extra zero to the price. Is a Jamie Oliver plate better than any other pretty piece of porcelain? Does David Beckham’s name improve an aftershave?

I disagree entirely, and think it’s high time that celebrities began endorsing spanking implements. I would be completely sold on the idea from the word go.

An Alan Rickman cane would endlessly improve our toy chest. Abel suggested a Gordon Ramsay tawse, though I think a David Tennant or a Sean Connery tawse would be preferable.

On the other hand, why not have both? We could have competing celebrity implement brands.
I can’t think of anyone to endorse frat paddles or riding crops. Anybody want to help?

19 Comments »

I see that the New York team beat the New England team in Sunday’s Superbowl. (That’s about as detailed a technical insight you’ll get from me into American Football, to be frank).

What’s interesting is that the TV news here before the game showed an interview with four delightful cheerleaders drawn from the New England squad. It seems their team was to have the upper hand, since the New Yorkers were one of the few sides not to have their own cheerleadering troupe.

So the defeat must be the cheerleaders’ fault, right? They can’t have whipped up their supporters into enough of a frenzy to encourage the players out on the field.

I can imagine the post-match aftermath. The cheerleaders would have been made to take off their uniforms and shower, then lined up to await the coach. He’d enter the changing room, decidedly unimpressed with the girls’ performance, and would order them forward one-by-one to be paddled. Very soundly - for after all, this was a particularly important match.

19 Comments »

I’ve just finished a remarkable novel, The Book Thief by Markus Zusak. The main character is a girl called Liesel, who lives with her foster parents in a Munich suburb during WWII.

Liesel is moderately naughty, and she gets her share of spankings in the book. Her foster mother whacks her with a spoon from time to time, and the teachers at school also punish her.

And here’s a curious thing: in an otherwise English text of the book, certain words are always used in German - for character, I imagine - and spanking is one of them. Liesel doesn’t get a spanking with a spoon, or a caning with the nun’s stick: she gets a Watschen.

…The book was snatched from her grasp, and she was told, “Liesel - the corridor.” As she was given a small Watschen, she could hear them all laughing in the classroom, between Sister Maria’s striking hand. She saw them. All those mashed children. Grinning and laughing. Bathed in sunshine. Everyone laughing but Rudy.

From a spanko’s point of view, this is the juiciest episode in the book, because in the break Liesel charges at one of the boys who laughed at her, and beats him up properly. The nun comes back into class, sees the state of the boy, and demands to know who had done it. She makes all the other boys in the class to show their hands, but none look like they’d been in a bloody fight.

“I don’t believe this,” Sister Maria muttered. “It can’t be,” because sure enough, when Liesel stepped forward and presented her hands, Ludwig Schmeikl was all over them, rusting by the moment. “The corridor,” the sister stated, for the second time that day. For the second time that hour, actually.

This time, it was not a small Watschen. It was not an average one. This time it was the mother of all corridor Watschens, one sting of the stick after another, so that Liesel would barely be able to sit down for a week. And there was no laughter from the room. More the silent fear of listening in.

…But this brilliant episode isn’t the only reason I liked this book, which I will go on recommending to people for a long time.

8 Comments »

‘REPORT YOURSELF to the headmaster after breakfast!’

I do not know how many times I heard that phrase during my early years at Crossgates. It was only very rarely that it did not mean a beating. The words always had a portentous sound in my ears, like muffled drums or the words of the death sentence.

An essay by George Orwell about his school days describes a typical call to punishment – and then the unfortunate aftermath of a Headmasterial caning, in which his bravado was to prove his downfall.

Some small boys were hanging about in the passage outside the door of the ante-room.

‘D’you get the cane?’

‘It didn’t hurt,’ I said proudly.

Bingo had heard everything. Instantly her voice came screaming after me:

‘Come here! Come here this instant! What was that you said?’

‘I said it didn’t hurt,’ I faltered out.

‘How dare you say a thing like that? Do you think that is a proper thing to say? Go in and REPORT YOURSELF AGAIN!’

This time Sim laid on in real earnest.

… as might be expected from a Headmaster thus scorned, really, although the fact that the he ended up “by breaking the riding crop” seems more than a trifle excessive.

7 Comments »

The Guardian surprised us yesterday with this headline:

Hmm, schools have moved on since I graduated… Any idea what subject this might be?

Maybe somebody will finally come up with a workable spanking machine?

5 Comments »

British readers may remember ‘Brookside’, the Liverpudlian soap opera (best remembered, one suspects, for teenaged Anna Friel’s lesbian kiss). An earlier ‘Brookside’ comes to light in an Australian academic paper, which provides an interesting insight into conditions at a girl’s reformatory of that name.

A mounted policeman discovered seven hungry, cold teenaged girls huddling behind a tree, and took them in:

They told Constable Clifford of Ballarat Police that they had escaped two days earlier on 10 July from the Brookside Reformatory while doing farm chores. They had trekked 15 kilometres from the reformatory at Cape Clear, south-west of Ballarat, before they were found.

Brookside, Victoria’s first privately run Protestant home for wayward girls, was set up in 1887 in an era when the Victorian government and many welfare reformers thought wards would be better off in a homely environment away from state institutions.

In his police report, Clifford wrote that the girls “collectively complained of the tasks and treatment meted out to them”. The girls told him that Brookside’s inmates would be flogged with a heavy strap for any sign of insubordination…

The girls told Clifford that if they were returned to Brookside they would be severely punished for running away…

However, the police investigation repudiated any claims of ill-treatment. Reports of girls having their hands tied behind their backs were indeed true, but, said the reformatory doctor, this was necessary “to deal with is the extremely hurtful habit of masturbation”(!).

The case is still known since it was taken up by an investigative journalist, Alice Henry, who visited the Reformatory and studied the many incidents of corporal punishment recorded in punishment book. She produced a report entitled “Reformatories and Reform”, which was instrumental in bringing about change to the reformatory system. What happened to the seven girls is not reported.

4 Comments »

I’m out in the kitchen making dinner. Abel is on the phone to his mother in the next room, and I can hear him through the door:

“I’d better go, Mum; Haron’s cooking, I need to give her a hand.”

I wonder briefly why he thinks I need help stirring curry that’s come out of a jar; surely I’m not that inept.

Everything is explained when he strides into the room, yanks down my slightly-too-large tracksuit bottoms along with my knickers, and gives me several firm, crisp smacks. I hold on to the stirring spoon to keep myself from ending up face-first in the bubbling curry.

“Is that your understanding of giving me a hand?” I ask, pulling my pants back up.

“Yeah. What, did you think I was going to help you?”

12 Comments »