Court Circular
Posted by Abel on 08 Sep 2008 at 07:59 am | Tagged as: Perverting Reality
It always astonishes me that, in 21st century Britain, the ‘Court Circular’ still appears in certain daily newspapers. The formal announcement describes the previous day’s royal appointments - for example:
Clarence House
20th AugustThe Duchess of Rothesay, President, this afternoon attended the Brooke Hospital for Animals Garden Party in Aboyne and was received by Her Majesty’s Lord-Lieutenant of Aberdeenshire (Mr Angus Farquharson).
Still, it could sometimes prove interesting:
Buckingham Palace
1 SeptemberPrincess Victoria this afternoon attended the Central London Women’s Disciplinary Centre and was received by the Chief Punishment Officer (Sgt Jock McPherson).
Oh, how the papers would speculate - with paparazzi photos showing the tear-stained young royal appearing considerably more dishevelled on her way out from her appointment than she had been on the way in…
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It always astonishes me that, even after all his centuries on earth, Abel is still finding things that astonish him. I can’t make up my mind if the world is just super, super astonishing or if he’s just a little bit slow…
It’s true, Smudge. Abel certainly expends a lot of energy on astonishment. And at his age, it’s quite astonishing that he still has the remaining energy to be able to spank naughty girls…
Now be fair, he’s just demonstrating the simple, childlike wonder that he feels when he surveys the world. With the emphasis very much on simple…
Wow… can it be possible that I’m starting to feel sorry for Abel? Really?
Hehe. The comments are turning into Pick-on-Abel spots, aren’t they? We’re doing well here Smudge! Take over the comments, take over the website, take over the world…
Judge: “And why did you cane the girls, Mr Abel?”
Abel hands over printout of this page of comments.
Judge: “Ah. I see. Quite right too. Case dismissed…”
Urm, excuse me, the simple was a compliment! Simple as in not overcomplicated, which as we all know is not good. So please don’t include me in the above mentioned ‘girls’ Smudge, Catherine, Rayne and Kate yes. But *I* was being nice.
Heehee, you might find the splurge of ‘treat me like a princess’ t-shirts and knickers in the shops right now suddenly became a bit less popular
Eliane! Remember, Smudge & I will soon be taking over the world! Whose side do you want to be on then?
Sounds like toppy judge to me– anybody who could win a fair fight would let the girls give their side of the case, too.
I *thought* I was being nice! So much for that…
Kate, good point. Sorry, swapping sides, quite fancy the idea of taking over the world.
Eliane, you won’t actually get to take over the world, you know. Kate and I are going to be in charge. But you can still be on our side.
Yeah, Eliane, how about we reward you by letting you have Brad Pitt’s house? I’m sure he wouldn’t mind sharing it with you. And we can afford to lose one hot man, can’t we Smudge? Still plenty left to help us fulfill our plans…
I’m not sure I’m completely happy with not being allowed to be in charge, but if I can swap Brad Pitt for George Clooney, I’ll go along with it.
OK Eliane, whoever you want! And we can put you in charge of Abel if you want. He’ll be the Punisher in Chief so you could get out of being spanked whenever you’d want! Wouldn’t that be cool?
“Punisher in Chief (Female Section)”, please. I have *no* desire for my remit to extend to spanking Messrs Pitt, Clooney or the like….
Yay!!! I get George!!! And I apparently get to boss Abel around as well. Oh, my cup runneth over!
Abel, it’s a flipping good job you *don’t* want George. He’s mine. And just you remember that, or it will go worse for you!
Hey, I got all scary there. Maybe I should try being a top one of these days!!
*Everyone* gets to boss Abel around. Just so long as Kate and I are the supreme bosses. But we don’t mind sharing, Eliane, so you can be a little bit in charge
And noooo Kate, he’s not Punisher In Chief, he’s Spanker In Chief! Cos we’re so good, we don’t need punishing. If you give him a title like that, he’ll think he’s the boss of us!
Oh right. Sorry Smudge, I slipped up there. Everyone, pretend I said Spanker In Chief instead of Punisher In Chief! Because nobody needs to be punished! We’re having a lottery with hot men for prizes (except George, of course, who I hate to give up because even though he’s old enough to be my father he’s still really hot - but Eliane deserves him more I guess). And we have Obama and his kids. What more is there to want?
*Puts on toppy voice*
And Abel, before you get any ideas: you will NOT be the boss of us. Instead WE will boss YOU around. And you’re not allowed to spank Smudge or me for that! Or we would have to behead you and we’d hate to make Haron cry! Right Smudge? And don’t worry - all the non-hot male miscreants will be dealt with in other ways. No one will have to spank them. Though I wouldn’t mind having Brad Pitt spank me. Is that a double standard?
I do like it when the readers and writers on this blog get aboard the train to la la land… such fun
We’re allowed double standards, Kate. We’ll rule the world, we can do what we like. And may I suggest we adapt our ‘no punishment’ rule slightly? Sarah should be punished, I think, for suggesting our plans for taking over the world aren’t entirely realistic.
Smudge, I’m with you. La la land indeed. I’m sure Smudge and Kate are perfectly capable of taking over the world (with my help, of course) and I sincerely hope you weren’t questioning whether or not George would fall *instantly* in hopeless adoration with me, Sarah!
I’m shocked! While I must agree with Sarah that it is rather amusing, it is a grave offense indeed to suggest Smudge & I wouldn’t dare take over the world. We’ve already had to deal with the CIA, you know! But so far they haven’t given us some spare cool sunglasses. They’ll be punished too. Severely.
So, young lady. You thought it was funny to insult the soon-to-be new regime? No, I didn’t think so either. For this you will be sentenced to a good, hard whipping. The Spanker In Chief will see to that!
*Runs off to get Abel*
Yay, Kate!!! We’ll have to be present, though, during the whipping. You never know what these elderly folk might do - they might confer, and try to start an uprising together. Maybe Haron can be Chief Whipping Overseer? I *think* she can be trusted…
Good idea, Smudge. You’ll ask Haron, will you? And do a lie-detector test on her?
I shall of course be happy, in my new role, to carry out the punishment you determine for Sarah…
Of course you’ll be happy to, Abel. You don’t actually get a choice, you know.
ROFL, I think Smudge might actually have turned into a top!!
Hehe…
Have not!
Oooooooh…. I’m scared! NOT!!
What?! Sarah’s not scared of Smudge & me?!
Abel! Whip the woman! This is all your fault, for not doing your job in the first place!
(Yeah, I don’t know how I worked that one out, either. But it doesn’t matter because Smudge & I are in charge anyway so we can say whatever we like.)
That’s until the pair of you are spanked and put to bed with no supper, which I’m *increasingly* tempted to do.
Oh that does sound good Haron… may I help?
Whhaaa! Abel! Your wife is scaring me!
You’re right, Kate. It is Abel’s fault. If you’re not careful, Abel, you’ll get beheaded. Sort it out, please, it’s simply not good enough.
And Haron is officially fired from Chief Whipping Overseer. Attempted starvation of the two of us is particularly serious, and Haron and Sarah are getting thrown to the lions for treachery. So there.
Haron, my sweet: only ’spanked’. Surely a gentleman should take off his belt to deal with a pair of girls needing to be sent to bed supper-less?
I have no loyalty. Now that the tables seem to be turning against Kate and Smudge, I’d like to point out I had nothing to do with any of their plans.
! Eliane! I’m keeping George for myself you know!
Hmpf. All of you, you just wait! One day you’ll be sorry!
Yes, Abel. A gentleman. So not you. Pay attention! Goodness, you’re not even gonna *notice* when your head’s chopped off at this rate!
Eliane is also being thrown to the lions for treachery. Just so you know.
Not a problem. If it came down to the lions or Abel, I’d probably take my chances with the lions