Yesterday we went to see a game of football at Wembley. Frankly, I was there to look at the stadium, which is really cool, and watch Messrs Beckham and Gerrard being awesome.

But I also got a bonus kinky thrill.

Every spectator got this cleverly folded piece of cardboard, that you’re supposed to hold up during the national anthem to make St George’s cross. The name of the thingie? A “clapper banner”.

Because, while folded into a cardboard accordeon,   it’s also used to whack really hard on anything you can – your hand, your thigh, an empty seat – it makes a lot of clapping, cheering noise.

Alternatively, you can try to whack it against the bottom of your nearest and dearest, and see what happens.

It proved to be a really lame spanking implement, actually, but it was fun to try.