Rembrandt Square in Amsterdam sounds as though it should be full of artists painting elderly ladies, against a dark backdrop of old townhouses. Instead, it hosts a somewhat run-down flea market

I’d been pondering the idea of buying a pair of old wooden skates, which had real potential as an unconventional spanking implement. (Girls come home late in the snow, get warmed up…). I decided against it, unsure whether the blades would be permitted on my return flight.

So I moved on to the next stall along, which just happened to consist of large boxes of porn DVDs, sorted by genre. I rifled through the S&M box, noting the titles:

“Prefects’ spanks”
“Punishment at home”
“British amateur spanking”
“English punishment series 3″
“Hit me please”
“Neil Sedaka – Live in Birmingham”

Yes, really. It does seem a tad cruel that watching said gig is now officially classed as masochist.