OK, I confess to an I-must-have-a-dirty-mind startle when I read the following headline in the Guardian on Monday:

pensis001

“W*nking while you write”?

Oh. It says “pens: is”. Phew!

The story went on to proclaim that “e-assessments” would soon replace traditional exams. What a shame, I thought, picturing an invigilator patrolling the hall as the girls sat the first of their A Level papers. He’d notice one candidate behaving slightly strangely; he’d study her discreetly from a distance, before swooping like a hawk and seizing the page of microscopic notes to which she had been referring.

She’d be marched out of the examination and taken directly to the Headmaster’s office. The trembling girl would be made to wait outside whilst the master went in with the incriminating crib sheet. He’d re-emerge some time later; her tearful wait would continue for several minutes more before she was called in.

“I am told by Mr. Jenkins that he observed you cheating in this morning’s History A Level. Do you accept that this is true?”

A long pause. “Yes, sir. I’m sorry, sir. I don’t know why, but…”

“You will, of course, be awarded a ‘Fail’ by the examination board for History. You will no doubt appreciate that their policy is also to fail you on all of your other subjects.”

“Please, sir. No….”

“I have just spoken to them at length on the matter, and as this is your very first paper of the summer – and I have confirmed to them that you have had an exemplary disciplinary record up until this incident – they have agreed to grant you an exemption and allow you to sit your remaining subjects as usual. Provided, that is, you have been soundly punished.”

“Sir…?”

“It is very rare that I have to resort to corporal punishment, young lady, but in this case you leave me no choice. Eight strokes of the cane is the maximum that I am allowed to give you, and on this occasion I feel it to be entirely appropriate. Bend over and touch your toes!”