I’ve had a frustrating time recently browsing self-catering sites on the web, trying to find buildings that would be suitable for reformatory weekends*. The criteria? Large, well away from the road and other houses, well sound-proofed, relatively easy to get to – and affordable. Mmm. Not sure all of those go together.

It’s particular depressing as I have a very clear picture in mind of a scene. I’m supervising a group of girls who are sitting behind tables, working diligently at some mundane task designed to pass the day and break their spirit. (Sewing church kneelers, perhaps?).

But one girl stands before me, head bowed. “That, young lady, was completely unacceptable.”

“Yes, sir.”

“You will be birched. In front of the other girls.

“Please, sir. No…”

“Be silent.” I point to one of the other girls. “You: go to the porter and ask him for a birch. And you two – fetch the table from over there and place it in the centre of the room, just here.”

And then I turn back to the miscreant, and issue her instructions: “Whilst you, young lady, can take off your clothes and go and stand in the corner, facing the wall with your hands on your head, until I’m ready to deal with you…”

* Somewhat to my amusement, I found one property that described itself as suitable for “grandparents of families holidaying in the larger apartments who can enjoy their own space unmolested.” How thoughtful of them to protect their female guests from grandpapa’s wandering hands…