Perhaps we’ve had an email from you recently, or maybe you are only just summoning up the courage to write. Maybe you’ve struck up some conversation on spanking blogs and forums, or maybe you’ve been reading avidly, not yet ready to speak to the people who, you now know, are just like you: people who are into spanking. I know this much about you: you’ve recently put a name to your long-held, deep-seated cravings, and now, after the initial excitement, you’ve starting to feel pangs of bitter guilt.
The guilt is a many-toothed thing, and it continues to batter you with its varied weapons.
- Why must you be obsessed with something sexual? What sort of hobby is it for a healthy human – why couldn’t it be a sport, a craft or an art? Maybe you’re not healthy, but inherently corrupt and wrong.
- Why does it need to be spanking, that is, an act of causing pain? If you’re a top, you may be wondering if you’re a violent people-hater. If you’re a bottom, you suspect you have deep hidden issues with self-hatred.
- Whatever your individual, additional kinks, the guilt knows just the buttons to jab with its gnarly finger. Age-play? You’re either infantile or a paedo. Domestic discipline? You must be an abusive spouse or a pathetic co-dependent. Submissive female? A bad feminist. Submissive male? A weakling. Dominant? A dangerous maniac in the making.
- If you dare confront the guilt and sweep it out of the way like a hurtful pest it is, it will tell you that you’re so corrupt that you’re capable only of making apologies for your appaling behaviour instead of correcting it.
I’d love to give you a hug. You’re not alone. Not only in kink are you surrounded by people just like you, but also in your guilt. But I’m afraid you’re going to have to confront the guilt; although it may seem tempting to you just to shove your interest in spanking in a dark place in your mind and try to never think of it again, escaping won’t work. You’re kinky: this is how you’re wired. Denying this part of yourself will go about as well as trying to date people from the opposite gender to your preference.
The guilt is a rational response to the irrational feeling that your kink is not ok, but I promise you: it is. It’s not hurting anyone, just the contrary: it has the potential to be immensely fulfilling. And it really is OK to look for fulfilment in your kink, though just like any other interest you should perhaps be wary of it taking over your life completely. There are many wonderful rewards to be found as you explore your kink.
Your guilt won’t like this. But you can fight it, because you can gradually come to believe that your kink is OK – and so is everybody else’s.
P.S. Abel and I have just noticed that yesterday’s post was our two thousandth. I suppose, once you’ve been blogging for five years, anniversaries come thick and fast.
Beautiful, touching post, my darling: one of the best and most important in our 2,001 to date
I think this is a wonderful and important post. I would like to link to it, if I may.
I think so many of us struggle with elements of what we do, I know I do. I am grateful for you writing this and I think if there were a definitive book about TTWD that this should be the opening chapter.
Well said, Haron. You’ve summarized the emotions and thoughts of missions in this eloquent post.
Hugs,
Hermione
Haron,
This is an immensely valuable message delivered with compassion and insight. One of the greatest services we can provide the community is help people find peace within themselves. Bravo!
Congratulations as well on reaching this milestone! I wonder how one celebrates such as achievement…
Hugs,
Bonnie
Thank you Haron. You have touched our innermost feelings.
Yes indeed, wonderful and important. Thank you!
Sara
Excellent approach to guilt, Haron. It does at times seem to be a person sitting on one’s shoulder, like the little angel and devil in old cartoons. The answer to this personification of guilt of course is to have a real, knowledgeable person like you on one’s other shoulder, cataloguing the reasons that Guilt is wrong, wrong, WRONG. 😉
-Dev
Thanks Haron
Even after (almost) 4 years, I still feel a bit strange that there is a whole section of my life that has to be ‘kept secret’ from most of the people I know.
And I still go bright red whenever anyone asks – or even gets close to asking – how I met Richard. I do feel bad that I have to lie about that – it is such a happy memory to me but I know that there are people in my life who definitely wouldn’t see it that way.
But, you never know, maybe one day I won’t feel the need to hide that part of myself away so much anymore – I know there are people out there who are much more open than me.
Happy 2001st post! xx
Really eloquent insight into the dreaded kink guilt, which I think we’ve all felt at times. The whole “you’re sub, therefore you are weak and pathetic” spectre can still raise its ugly head when I feel low. Must remind myself of this post whenever it does, thanks Haron
I definitely fall into the category of those who lurked and then summoned the courage to write. The kind and supportive correspondence that followed made it possible to further explore this side of me that I kept so well hidden from the world.
I agree with Martha, the doubts and self-loathing creep up on us at when we’re feeling low. I will save this post for those times. Thank you both for all that you.
These words are honey to my soul.
Sometimes, one does feel unhealthy and out of control. Thank you for this post, Haron! And congrats to you and Abel on your anniversary!
A very special and very sensitive few remarks. I wish I had known people like you two (and a number more I have got to know of late, in person as well as virtually) many decades ago….
Ernest
Haron,
Thank you so much for this post. I have been struggling for the past few weeks with trying to de-lurk and figure out my place in all of this – and you just verbalized what I’ve been feeling for so so long now.
Thank you thank you thank you
-Claire
Very eloquent post. It’s good to know others have fought the same obsessive thoughts about their kink and those same inner demons. It took me years to come to terms with the guilt trip. I wish I had read something like this many moons ago. Thank you Haron
Thank you for the comments, everyone. I’m glad this post spoke to you; I hoped it would.
Brilliant post. Spot on! I do relate to this, a lot. And I think you are right. We have to face up to who we are, kinky or not. It is a part of what makes us…well, us. I struggle with this every day. Thank you for this.
Hugs
Janice
“Why must you be obsessed with something sexual?”
Sports, crafts and art are simply what people do to sublimate their sexual desires. Obsessing with sex has the virtue of being just a tad more honest.
“Why does it need to be spanking?”
Because sex without spanking is boring. And you wouldn’t want to do something boring with the one you love. When someone’s spanking you you can be 100% certain that they aren’t bored with you. (Well, at least, if they are they don’t have you to blame.)
“Are you a bad person because … ?”
This is a much more complex question. Everyone has impulses. Fortunately, we don’t judge people on their impulses we judge them on what they do with those impulses. You are among the blessed ones that have the conscious desire to do what’s right and the creativity to put those impulses to constructive use.
It’s been said of courage that the courageous experience fear just like everyone else. What makes them heroes is that they overcome their fear to take action. I think it’s the same with impulses. We have the same impulses as everyone else. The difference is that we face those impulses and turn them into constructive action.
Thank you, Heron, our hero!
Just found this thanks to Poppy’s link. This was indeed how I felt 25 years ago and we did not have nice blogs and such back then to realize how many others were like us. Yes we did have BBSes but the long distances charges were too much to go exploring.
Now I realize that there is really no such thing as normal, and indeed one person’s kink is another person’s normal: we are wired the way we are and it would be boring if all of were as identical as the circuits in your computer. So if you are at the guilty stage there is hope, if I, a very shy and private type, can get over it you can too.
So why do I hide behind an alias? Well I live in a small close minded community (read red neck for a more colorful description) and it is sadly not safe to speak in public about one’s type of normal, too many of them have been taught to supress their own kinks and take it out on others. It’s the penalty for living in a very beautiful rural location, I guess.
Hello, both Haron and Abel.
A while ago I discovered The Punishment Book blog, and travelled to the blogs of the writers from there, so I am a reader, but actually only for the past year or so.
Since I was a child I have been drawn to spanking and other corporeal punishment, as a top, but yes, there has been quite a lot of guilt. I am just barely interseted in sex for the point of sex, and because my interest is purely kinky and -extremely- dominant, I have kept myself from the idea of pursuing a relationship, sure that it would be unhealthy for any partner involved. Especially because I would only trust a friend, and no matter how naughtily-minded a friend of mine may be, complications are risky. And when I can’t even give them a real relationship… I would be horrible to try.
My point is, thank you. Just now, when I am starting to try to sort through the guilt and understand whether my fascination and longings are the result of some forgotten childhood problem, or just inherent cruelty inside of me, this was very warming to read. Because through your blog I respect the both of you, and appreciate your posts. So thank you, again.
Kassandra
My goodness… This was all typed on my mobile device, and I only just noticed the spelling mistakes that the auto-correct inserted. My apologies —