From time to time, I receive notes seeking advice from readers who are considering making their first tentative forays into the world of real-life spanking play. It feels a little strange that, by dint of having written incessantly on a topic for a number of years, I’m somehow seen as trusted, an expert. But it’s very flattering, always welcome – and that Haron and I have managed to help a few folks through this blog over the years is a source of great pleasure and pride to us both.
One such note arrived recently from a female reader who was seeking tips from me on safety prior to her first meeting with her first potential top, who she’d met online. I conferred with Haron on our response, and – whilst the following thoughts will seem like stating the obvious to our more experienced readers – it struck me that they might be of interest more widely:
- Obviously, don’t disclose personal information such as your real name, home neighbourhood / address, or where you work / study.
- Get to know the person online first. Email, email some more. Then perhaps it’s time for a few more emails or instant messaging conversations.
- Ask them what interests them, and the things that don’t. Let them know what works for you, what doesn’t really – and what really doesn’t. See if you do actually connect enough, and have similar enough tastes, for this to be good, comfortable and fun for you both.
- Read anything they’ve written online: they may have profiles on sites such as FetLife or Informed Consent; they may comment on blogs you also read, or post to bulletin boards; they might even blog or write stories themselves; perhaps they tweet…
- …and share anything you’ve written – even if that just means getting them to follow your kinky twitter account, if you have one.
- If you can, mindful of confidentiality / discretion, ask if other folks you know / trust have come across the person concerned and speak well of them. [And don’t presume that meeting 1:1 is always be the best course; can you meet them instead at a munch, or through mutual friends, or with someone else around?]
- Chat to them by phone (if at least one of you is happy sharing a phone number; you might even want to set up a kink or anonymous account from which to Skype).
- Be a little paranoid. Actually, be a lot paranoid. Meet them in a public place – preferably one without alcohol: a coffee shop rather than a pub! And have a safe call (someone you trust, who you can call or text a little while after meeting to say you’re OK – plus an agreed phrase you’d use if you’re not, and clear plans for what you’d want them to do if you didn’t make contact by an agreed time).
- Don’t play the first time you meet – and let them know beforehand that this will unequivocally be the case. [Being frank, I’ve not always followed this one myself where I’ve chatted a lot to someone beforehand – but it is usually the case for me, and I’d certainly think it’s a sensible plan for any bottom meeting a top].
- And if you are going to play… be as clear as you can be about your preferences; be specific about hard limits; specify any safeword(s) and make sure it’s clear what their use must mean (whether “take it easy” or “stop, now!); and have the courage, no matter how hard it might seem, to stop things right there and then, safeword or not, if you’re at all uneasy with how it’s going.
I’m sure I’m missing stuff. And that’s really the point of posting it: from your experience, do you think what I said constituted sound advice? What advice would you offer for a safe and successful first meeting with a friend that someone’s met online?
I think it’s very good advice :-).
Admittedly, I didn’t follow all of the points above (I used my vanilla email address, our first meeting was at a pub and I didn’t tell anyone where I was going – there was no one to tell back then!!). We *did* email each other for a whole month before meeting up though and also texted and used Yahoo messenger a few times.
And, hey, it can’t have gone that badly, as we’re still together over 4 years later ;-).
But yes, very sound advice – can’t see anything I would change.
xx
The first time I met G. face to face, it was after having met online on SSS. We started out replying to each others’ posts, went to emails AND replying to each others’ posts even more, and after a few months of almost daily emails, we started doing phone calls. We’d occasionally get to play on the phone, me doing the spanking, he directing the action, but mostly we’d just talk for hours. We didn’t meet face to face until we’d been talking on the phone for over a year, but that was because we live a thousand miles apart. We both had to travel to get to where we could meet, and luckily a friend of mine lives in that city and knew I was meeting up with him, so I did have backup. We’d sent pics to each other over the months, so we knew what the other looked like, so I wasn’t going into it blind. We knew each others’ real names by then, generally where we lived, and we were solidly friends before we met. With G., what you see is what you get, so there were no surprises when we did finally see each other for the first time. I think it was the best way to go, at least for me, considering how new I was to the scene when I started talking to him online.
Abel, I agree with you 100 percent. If they observe these important rules, both party’s will have ‘a spanking good time’.
Oh My God!!! I just realised I should never, ever give ANY sort of advices to any newcomers to the scene.
I ingored probably EVERY single advice you have given here at some point.
Super guide! I think I kind of take all these advices into consideration. Still, almost all men I met (or even only had E-mail contact with) googled me within days. Although I even kept my first name secret. And certainly my profession! Every time, I am a little upset, although, in fact, it does not really matter. However, I decided not to ever send photos of myself undressed to anybody.
If more people used the common sense listed above, you would have far fewer meetings that don’t go as “hoped”. I tend very much to the SSC side. I always thoroughly discuss what she will/won’t consent as well as what she does/doesn’t like, prior to a meeting. When your both on or close to the same page, it can work for (what was described above) a spanking good time.
I think this is a wonderful list. I wish I had read it a few months ago. I also think trust your instincts. If someone makes you feel bad do not assume that is because you are bad – you don’t have to submit before you are ready to.