Reporting from the SpankOlympics

Danny Boyle? Millions of pounds? A cast of thousands? Nah, tonight’s Olympian festivities can’t be as much fun as the kinky SpankOlympics last Saturday.

Opened by a naked virgin setting light to the Olympic cane. (OK, Leia-Ann Woods was naked, half-way up my garden, as we struggled to persuade the whisky-soaked rattan to catch fire).

The sprint: won by Mr Allen and the aforementioned Leia-Ann, with the obligatory 100 smacks administered in 22 seconds (alternating ten per rapidly-reddening buttock).

The shooting: applying six strokes of the cane as closely together as possible. Won by the same duo, with a mere 35mm gap.

Synchronised spanking: a close-run thing before proceedings drew to a halt prior to the judges’ decision, between our Irish trio (a spanking riverdance!) and MidKnightGMT’s famed spanking drumkit (comprising four girls’ bared bottoms).

We didn’t get round on the day to awarding the Gold Medal for the overall winner, but Leia-Ann’s performance means that she is duly awarded the victor’s laurels. Well, I say laurels:  actually, Marlowe – incredibly kindly – made and insiribed a tawse for the winner (pictured here with another such that he generously presented to me for hosting the festivities, alongside a 12″ ruler for scale). We’ll have to find a suitable opportunity to present the young lady – repeatedly – with her prize..

Thanks to all who took part in good spirit in the event: a memorable afternoon.