Awaiting a friend at a railway station. Her text message flashes up: “Think we’re a few minutes late.”
“One swat for every minute’s delay.” (I’m fair like that).
So I wait, and the train duly rolls in – four minutes EARLY. I text her, knowing she’ll have a long walk alng the platform: “No, it doesn’t work that you give me four swats for being early.”
Quick as a flash: “4 stroke credit though! To be used at my discretion!”
I look up, just as her beaming face appears before me. “But of course. I shall remember your credit. The next time I give you a traditional ten of the best.”
Is that logic along the same lines as, “I’ll listen to your point of view, and then we’ll do it my way.”?
Sounds perfectly fair to me!
Rob: yep!
Sounds good, fair and proper to me too… but possibly only because I wasn’t that girl!
Sounds far too sharp a riposte back from Abel to me though, bah!
Rob – that’s exactly how it works
LOL fortunately for her, the girl in question hasn’t earned six of the best since.
Yet…
I keep thinking, boy, you two must have lots of kinky real-life friends.
meanie!
We’re blessed with lots of friends, though unfortunately most of them live too far away. *sigh*
Amber – I’ve rather reached the point where almost all of the people I choose to spend time with are kinky. It’s hard for me to truly relax with people if I can’t be open and honest about what makes me tick. And I’ve met some very wonderful people through this interest of ours (Haron included, of course): people I care very deeply about (at a far deeper level than simply wanting to whack them).
Hi, Mtap. I am never *mean*! (Brave thing to post, mind!!!)
And hence, the question – how did you two meet? And, in a broader sense, how is one so lucky to meet the partner who happens to share this rather underground and not that common passion for CP?
Amber – we have the internet to thank. Haron sent me a kindly reply to a story I’d posted on the sss newsgroup; that led to lots of emails; they led to us meeting; more rendez-vous followed, and before you know it we were an item
This “logic” for want of a better word is near and dear to my heart at the moment, so excuse me for ‘venting’, but let’s face it – women are more pragmatic, competent and organisationally capable than (most) men (not you, Abel, of course,I’m not THAT frustrated). So how does one perfectly capable woman listen to, “No, you will do it my way” for the upteenth time and not simmer away ready to boil over???? Please don’t suggest that I’m “dealt with”. That’s already happened this weekend, but it hasn’t changed my thinking on this matter a dolt.
Oh, and if you want to know what time of the month it is, forget it! I refuse to answer on the grounds it may incriminate me.
Rob – quite aside from a throw-away witty remark on a London station platform, you hit on a really important issue. Excuse a too-rapid reply on something this deep – I’m heading off to catch a train, but wanted to offer my thoughts. And I’m hoping that others may share their comments, especially from “the receiving end”.
All of the women I spank, I think without exception, would fall into the category of bright, intelligent and “perfectly capable”. Sometimes we’re role-playing in scenes; sometimes the spankings are initiated playfully (when the thrashings may be severe, but driven from a starting point of “we feel like playing”).
Sometimes there’s an element of r/l discipline and punishment. And when that r/l element creeps in, for me it’s not really an issue that someone should “do it my way”. It’s more a case of punishing someone where they’re failed to “do it *their* way” – where their behaviour has fallen short of the the standards that they (or we) might rightly expect.
Whacking someone aganist their will isn’t really a successful way to change their mind. (Well, it might terrify them into good behaviour, but it’ll only breed resentment. Cue whole analogies with what’s going on in the big wide world out there).
PS is that the first time I’ve ever posted a comment that’s longer than my original post?!!
Abel: Yes I understand what you are saying. I did in fact get “wacked” for falling short of my standards, which is to behave reasonably no matter my frustrations. I certainly felt it was deserved, and it hurt my pride more than anything else, not to mention that afterwards was expectionally good. But what I am getting at is that alpha males have this bloody annoying habit whereby when there is a difference of opinion they get to a point where in one way or another they just put up the brick wall of China and say, listen I have heard your point of view, but that’s enough now, because we were actually always going to do it my way, I was just pacifying you (or words to that effect).
The thing is I feel I have been right often but just had to hold my tongue, and the turn of events proved me to be right, and it frustrates me that I want a discipline relationship and am prepared to be submissive, in fact want that, but on an intellectual level, it is just SOOOOOO frustrating to have that expectation of myself to keep my cool, when I want to scream from the rafters, “If you bloody well make that bloody stupid decision it will all go bloody pear shaped.” I know that sounds as if I am conceited but honestly sometimes you guys can’t see the wood for the trees.” (Not you personally, you know what I mean.) How do you incorporate that kind of honesty into this kind of relationship??? (Sorry to be wordy – I too am rushing.) By the way it was really sweet of you to respond. I really do think you are terrific.
I love the way these threads go off at great tangents sometimes!
Rob – I think Abel is talking a lot of sense here. I have some previous experience of a r/l disciplinary relationship from the sub’s point of view which I’d be happy to share with you (I’m sure Abel or Haron can furnish you with my email address if you ask them).
Some personal views for what it’s worth…R/l discipline will only work if it’s what both partners want. It’s no good the top just imposing a set of rules and expecting his charge to accept and thrive under them. She has to want them too, and to want his help in keeping to them; to understand that she is happier living with them than without. And they must both be prepared to accept their part in the consequences if she transgresses – which can be equally hard for both partners. (I’m using M/f here cos that’s what applies to me obviously – it would apply equally to any other combination though). It takes a huge amount of trust and honesty, and is a rare and precious thing for 2 people to embark on. I don’t think it’s for everyone, but when it is right, it can be an amazing and powerful dynamic.
Your top *must* listen to you – power exchange isn’t supposed to mean “not allowed to have own opinions and discuss matters in a civilised and intellectual manner, imho. However, there is probably also a “bottom line” where, if the relationship is working, the sub/bottom must accept, following due process, the top’s final ruling.
Minxette: You’re quick. Thanks for your comments. I somehow think I am giving the wrong impression. These frustrations go back long beyond the discussion I had with my husband earlier this year when I told him I had a spanking fetish, so perhaps I am wrong to bring them up in this particular forum. The thing is I have never been happier than in the past few months when I asked to add this component to my marriage. I love how it makes me feel and how happy we both are with it – let’s call a spade a spade – the sex is fantastic! Absolutely nothing is being forced upon me. I LOVE IT! Maybe it is the male/female dynamic in relationships generally, but I hate the fact that guys end up thinking, well, no, I am overuling you. I would be happy to be wrong – REALLY – but when you’re right you’re right. But one’s femaleness comes into the picture, and in the end, I feel I have to concede, for the sake of stability in the relationship. (I honestly didn’t realize just how frustrated I was about this until I got going. I must sound a bit crazed – but I’ve bottled that up for years. ) Thank you for offering your email address. I’d love that – Haron has my email address and I’d be happy for her to pass that onto you.
Rob – you raise such a wonderful question, and I really want to offer my two cents, as a woman who is independent by nature if not say wild, but longing for some degree of submission in the romantic framework. But all I can say is that I want to submit simply because I really want to – it seems right to hand off (some of) the decision-making to the man and therefore let go of my own control-freak tendencies and sort of relax and sink into subjecting mysef to his will within the walls of our home. I wanna add that it also turns me on, so it’s much more fun to, say, sort good turnips from rotten ones while feeling slightly high from being subjected to an unpleasant task by the man I love rather than feeling miserable doing the same task simply because it needs to be done. It makes my farm and house chores so much more fun and gives me quite a bit more energy when doing them. With some degree of domestic discipline imposed on me, we function better as a family, live in more peace and harmony, and are both even happier than usual, even though with are pretty darn happy as is.
Now, don’t get me wrong – we live in a place where women are strong, men are good-looking, and children are above average, so it’s not easy for Him, is not always the case, and is not in any way obvious when we are in public or with our extended family. We don’t have a formal D/s relationship, and it’s all rather playful, although I could take an even firmer hand, I think. Hope this adds just another, albeit not very original, perspective.
Amber: Yes I hear you. I am actually not a control freak (oh yeah, I hear you say!!) but I do think that most women have a different take on things to men such as my husband who can be very single-minded. (e.g.I might ask, “But what do you expect to achieve by doing that?, or, “Do you think you have a high chance of that deal coming off?”) and these questions are seen to be controlling/negative, and maybe they in fact are. BUT
sometimes when a man is in the midst of something, he lacks the perspective to see the whole picture which to the observer is blatently obvious. Now add my want and his enjoyment of me accepting him as the dominant one, and you get a mismatch. We get along famously if none of those comments are made – but then I feel like a bit of a bimbo because really they are on the tip of my tongue. AND like it or not he always comes back to a conversation where I end up hearing all the details anyway. So I sit there thinking, do I just nod at the appropriate times or do I say what I am thinking and get the speech about how difficult I am. That said, I love him to death, he is incredibly loving and lovable, we’ll always be together, and we have a bond that is lifetime long. He loves seeing me happy and thinks you all must be great people because I am so much more content. So don’t lose sleep over me and thanks for listening.