A while ago, I downloaded a personal ad from Gumtree (a site somewhat akin to Craigslist) to share with you. I’d forgotten it, and sadly the link’s now broken. But it’s interesting enough to share anyway.
Entitled “Spank me”, its “plump, 28, attractive, educated” female author weaves a gorgeous scenario for the man of her dreams:
We meet in the lobby of your exclusive central London hotel. After a glass of champagne we head to your room. Once in the door you order me to strip to just my underwear and heels and stand in the corner facing the wall while you prepare the room. Sitting in an armchair you call me over and put me over your knee, my legs clamped between your thighs so I can’t move. You spank me. Hard.
(And then it started to get rude. Very nicely rude, but we’ll spare the blushes of our dear, innocent readers).
Hey, if that’s what she writes in a personal ad, I want her to start a blog. Or write stories. Now. Even if several thousand readers of this site have to bully Gumtree to resurrect her ad, then threaten her with a spanking if she doesn’t co-operate. Albeit she may choose the spanking.
Then again, she could be he. She could be twice her stated age, or half. But the paragraph’s so enticing that I’m not sure I care.
So this is how you sweep a guy off his feet! All you have to do is assure him you want him to take your clothes off and spank you. Who’d have guessed? Now I can tell my single girlfriends where they have been going wrong!!
Quote Abel: but we’ll spare the blushes of our dear, innocent readers
You have such readers?!!!!? Who? Where? When?!!! Why?!! 😉
Ah, Rob, if only it were really that easy!
littlenic: You have to feed him. Spanking is good but it is food that will win him over. Invite him home and cook him a good hearty meal. The spanking is just the icing on the cake. Let me know how it goes.
Ah, Rob, sadly my broom set aside for sweeping chaps off their feet is currently standing forlorn and unused, there being no current target. And quite honestly, my feeding a chap is more likely to make him run in the opposite direction (unless he’s fond of the Pot Noodle, obviously) ;).
littlenic: This is my last gasp attempt at this for today. Cooking classes. Who knows, Mr. Right may be waiting for you there! Hugs.
Rob, you’ve got it all backwards. You invite him home and make him cook you dinner. There, easy
What if your (like me) a complete hazzard in the kitchen? I set fire to a mircowave last week!
Rob, that’s a very good plan. I definitely need to learn to cook. Even if only for my own good health!
Nic, what about butterfly cakes? That’s cooking. And we learned all about them in Domestic Science. I’m sure you could lure some unsuspecting bloke home to be corrupted with a pink and purple butterfly cake…
We’re not a very domesticated bunch are we?
Evie: What happened with the microwave? I’m dying to know!
Evie: I’m so pleased I inspired you!
And as for you Haron, Abel might be having a word or two to you right about now. You may be married to the perfect husband but a girl shouldn’t gloat lest she find herself booked into cooking classes too!! LOL
Perhaps Haron, what you need is a cook book
Sarah- Mircrowave had an arguement with the pop-tart that I inadvisedly put in it… oops.
Evie- Inspired me, but made life a tad dangerous, I’m really not allowed to cook anymore after so many disasters.
Rob – I’m not gloating, I’m merely advising the girls not to settle for an inferior model 😉
Sarah – oh, very funny *goes off to dust the 300 cookbook collection*
….and on that note, there were some interesting conversations this evening in England down at the pub amongst spanko males….”Anybody any idea where we can find this Haron lass, the one putting ideas into my Jess’s head about me being an inferior model? I’ve got a birch soaked all ready for her, and if she thinks 36 is a big number, well I’ll teach her a thing or two…….”:-)
I should point out at this point that my darling wife is cooking me dinner. I suspect all of these comments may have inspired her… in which case, thank you!
…And if you divulge to anyone what it tasted like, I’ll cook for you again. You wouldn’t want that, would you?
It was lovely, my darling.
(Sometimes there’s only one right answer to give)
Abel: Yes, that was the right answer. I’m smiling because this reminds me of my Dad. When my parents were first married, my Mum couldn’t cook and she planned meals for exactly the time my Dad said he would be home. He was rarely on time and thus the food was burned to a cinder, but he always told her it was delicious!
It also reminds me of my Russian girlfriend. Early on in the marriage she was nervous about cooking for her husband. He would be about her making suggestions until finally she said that she couldn’t do it, and from day forth he has cooked all the meals.
I think I am just a slow learner….