A couple of Twitter posters who regularly raise a smile are @PolyBadAdvice and @BDSMBadAdvice. In tribute to their work, here’s our dozen pieces of Spanking Bad Advice:
Safewords give an illusion of comfort – but don’t feel obliged to stop if they’re used.
50: the absolute minimum number of strokes.
If she likes the hairbrush, she’s sure to love the birch.
The bible mentions spanking, so always pray together before and after the scene.
Feel free to interrupt the spanking to take incoming phone calls.
Scene names are fine for the two of you, but use real names when others are around.
Paddles are quiet, so are especially suitable when vanilla friends are in nearby rooms.
It’s like a competition… the more strokes and the harder, the better.
Her dog will really enjoy seeing its owner spanked.
Always share those ‘private’ photos of her marks on your blog.
The playdate may have been fixed for ages, but soccer on TV takes priority.
Who needs hugs afterwards? The top should head straight to the bar.
Come on – join in the fun: we’d love to hear your suggestions…!
If she cries out too much, call her a whimp ands stop the scene
Limits are for breaking
Unless she’s sobbing and begging you to stop your job isn’t done
Spanking your girl in a public bar or restuarant is perfectly acceptable, neither she nor the vanilla staff will mind
I really could go on all day!!
I will try to think of some bad advice later, but just had to say that all my pets are traitors. None of them seem to mind me being spanked in the least! You’d think they could work up just a bit of sympathy.
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Canes are made to be broken….
It is part of your job to increase your subs mobility – if she can’t touch her toes force her down – the ligaments will mend!
Protocol is important, if she forgets to call you Super-almighty-darklord-dominant-superior-ubergodlike-master after every stroke she is clearly not a twue sub!
@Em my dog, generally far more protective than I’d like, no longer objects to my being spanked, at least not by my regular play partner. He just rolls his eyes and goes to hide in the other room.
Bad advice:
If she’s at the party, she’s already asked you to spank her, so go right ahead!
You’re not dominate (sic) enough if you talk to her before dragging her off to thrash her.
Never actually read a woman’s profile before messaging her on Fetlife or similar. She’s just there to help you live out your fantasies.
Spanko women just love the line “I want 2 spank ur ass.” Especially the dommes.
God made men to spank & women to be spanked. Female tops and male bottoms do not exist.
All tops just love incessant bratting. But not as much as captive audiences do.
Oh dear, I think I might be a little cranky at the end of a long week!
It’s perfectly fine to meet potential new playmate in abandoned shack in middle of desert.
Iodine makes an excellent after care salve for any cuts, grazes or abrasions.
Prefectdt
These are all soooo good. Personal favourites so far: “Limits are for breaking” and “Canes are made to be broken”.
More, more…!
If she’s never been caned before, make sure you make that first stroke the hardest you’ve ever given, so that she will always remember it.
Revelling in the absurdity of my personal predicament:
Novices should be sent to HH for a gentle welcome to the scene!
Spanking is a serious business. Any sense of irony will be regarded by your sub as a personal insult.
If bratting is acceptable as part of a sceene it is also acceptable to brat your top in front of vanilla friends, neighbours, family and coworkers.
Background music can really help to add to the intensity of a scene. For a truly intense experiance try playing the benny hill theme on repeat at full volume
Spanking is a competition: make every scene the hardest you have ever played.
If she wants a safeword, she just doesn’t trust you enough.
These are all so good I am not sure I can think of any!
If someone gives you something for free, take it – they don’t want anything in return
kneel bitch is a fantastic opening chat up line. As is ‘you are fatter than is ideal but I’ll overlook it for now.
If she tells you to fuck off, it means she wants anal. Don’t be put off from pressing your suit.
Contraception is the girls responsibility. After all, who has the babies?
If there is no blood, what kind of top are you?
The sweet spot is the small of the back. Repeated cane strokes to the kidneys is a very orgasmic experiece.
Her mother really wants to know that you are keeping her daughter in order. Send regular illustrated progress reports.
She thinks ‘take down your panties so I can spank your fanny’ is erotic. No mention should ever ber made of knickers.
Bratting makes you the most poular girl in school. Do it more!