I’ve always found this blog to be an outlet for everything that’s happy and cheerful about my life and kink; it’s the one place where my spanking life has served as a sanctuary against whatever life threw at me. No matter what happened elsewhere, I had chosen to come here and indulge my twisted mind in fantasies, real spanking snippets and every kind of kinky chatter – everyday life be damned. When this was impossible, because I was too busy, too unhappy or too sick for happy blogging, I would normally ask Abel to replace me for a few days, rather than let misery spill over into my happy place.
Well… I’m unhappy now. My mother has just been diagnosed with cancer, and while there’s not yet much information upon which I could base my obsessive worrying, things don’t look very good at this point. I know that, unfortunately, there are many of you who know exactly how I’m feeling right now.
Abel has, as usual, offered to help me out with the blog while I go away to deal with the situation, and I may well take him up on this. However, it struck me that to keep my unhappiness and confusion as pertains to my spanking kink away from the blog this time, would be dishonest and unhelpful. Part of my reason for having a spanking blog at all, is to show people that kink can be integrated into the daily life of an ordinary person, with all that life entails – with all, indeed, that kink entails. Keeping to this purpose is incompatible with keeping my happy little corner perpetually happy.
Emma Jane wrote last month about how the news of a family bereavement left her disgusted and alienated from the same kinky activities that she has previously enjoyed. I can only nod sagely, and say, “Yep, yep.” That’s what I felt in the first hours after learning after my mother’s illness: an overwhelming sense of revulsion at any mention of spanking, role-play or fantasy.
Kink is an escape, a root to joy. It felt like my mind was saying, “Oh no, you’re not going anywhere: you will stay right here, in your unhappy reality.” I had a very physical reaction of disgust at anything that suggested that I might, in fact, be into spanking. I wondered whether this was what it was like to be a dyed-in-the-wool homophobe faced with a picture of two men kissing – like a kick in the gut. (It didn’t make me feel any sympathy towards homophobes, though; my psyche has limits.)
It was enormously consoling to know that this passes, and I know it does because I’ve felt like this before. The times of low kink-drive can hang around for a while, but at least this nasty reaction goes away pretty swiftly. I know that. And I seriously can’t wait.
In the meantime, I’m taking spanking in very small doses, hoping to get inoculated against the ick factor.
Just like everyone who reads this post, I have friends and family that fell victim to cancer. Sometimes it ends in the worse, sometimes it becomes a tale of hope and survival, I hope that your mother’s is the later of those.
Prefectdt
Hugs of sympathy. Know it can feel like an emotional roller-coaster. Hope the news proves to the very best for you both. Take good care of yourself.
When we’re miserable in our real lives, I think it’s pretty natural to wonder why we’d ever choose to play games in which we put ourselves in a position to feel miserable, even under a controlled setting with help coming back to ourselves. Perhaps it’s even natural to resent those who can turn their suffering off at the end of the scene or by dropping a safeword, while real life suffering seems to control us.
While kinky practices may seem an anathema during those times, kinky friends can be a godsend. I know a lot of us are keeping you in our thoughts now. xx
Just last week I had a clean PET CT scan, ending my seven-month cancer experience. While mine was stage II, it was also simple to treat; “just” an operation followed by chemo. I’m still far from back to normal emotionally, but the all-clear has gone a long way toward helping.
I wish your mother all the best, and you as well.
I know your trip home is going to require huge amounts of courage over the next couple of weeks. You know you have so much love and support helping you on your way, not only from me but also from all of our friends xxx
Haron, I’m late for this post, but I wanted to tell you that you and your mother are in my thoughts! Unfortunately I’m one of those who can relate to your situation, but I hope that your mother’s cancer is one of those that can be cured. I know that this doesn’t make the therapy any less horrible, but at least there might be a light at the end of the tunnel. I hope that you also have a good time with your mother in Kiev, despite of her illness. I’m sending you warm hugs!