A few months back, I decided to become more open with vanilla friends and colleagues about the poly side of my life (bizarrely, shortly before various relationship changes which meant that perhaps I’d have been better off keeping quiet!). The conversations provoked a degree of curiosity, a fair few questions – and a remarkable amount of understanding and support. “So, you can be in love with more than one person – and everyone’s happy with it?” seems actually, strangely, to be something that even the most straight-laced types can get their minds around.
But what about spanking? I make no secret of the fact that I write ‘for adults’: ‘erotica’, even. Some folks even know it’s about ‘fetish’. But more than that I won’t say – I won’t mention corporal punishment specifically, and most certainly won’t discuss real-life spanking play. (I’ve actually only done that with one vanilla friend, ever. Although this isn’t her kink, she may even be reading this right now).
It’s not as if being “outed” as a spanko would imperil my vanilla existence: I don’t work in a sensitive job, for example. Yet I suspect any discussion would provoke shock and outrage: “So, you beat women, then?” What I do as a top is so beyond socially acceptable vanilla norms, that I doubt they’d listen along sympathetically as far as the obvious response (“Only if they want me to!”).
How do others handle this? And is it the case that it’s easier for someone who’s a bottom to “out” themselves than a top: is “I’m into pain” less of a shock to the vanilla system and more socially acceptable than “I’m into hurting others”? I’m not sure it is – but I’m curious to know what others think.
I think you are wise to keep your propensities under wraps. So many vanilla people are unable to see the difference between the abuse of women and consensual d/s. Explaining it takes a huge amount of effort on your side and a lot of goodwill on theirs, goodwill that is not always forthcoming. And yes, I think probably more opprobrium attaches to the spanker than the spankee. The latter would be patronised (‘poor thing, she’s just a doormat’), while the spanker is considered a brute.
I’ve been open with my vanilla friends and my family for many years now — open in the sense that I don’t lie about where / how Paul and I met or why we go to Vegas every year at the same time. But I don’t tell more than they want to know. With friends I make them ask for detail if they want it (generally they don’t). And with my family, well I don’t give details for the same reason they don’t give details about their sex lives.
I don’t believe it’s necessarily easier or harder for any gender or role. For me, being a female top, especially if I only played with women, would make it a lot easier to talk about WIIWD given that I work as a feminist scholar. There isn’t a lot of space in my professional life to talk about being a bottom into dressing as a school girl and / or being spanked and punished by her partner. But issues of BDSM and female masochism come up in my scholarship and I don’t feel comfortable lying. “I’m interested in and practice BDSM” is enough detail though. Anymore, unless I decided to write something like a feminist exploration of role play would be unprofessional.
Where I hesitate is online. When people search my real name, I don’t want them to hit “Mija” before they hit the academic self I’ve spent the better part of the last 15 years nurturing. When I teach, I don’t want students looking for Chicana scholarship to find my spanking stories. So I’m careful to keep that line online. Offline though, it doesn’t matter nearly so much.
As a spanker I have little reservations to opening up to friends. However, Mrs A as the spankee is more reserved and in respect of that I remain an enigma to my friends. They know something goes on but not what.
If you’re not amongst people that you would discuss any sort of sex life – vanilla or not – with, why should you be open with such a personal subject.
If any show interest in your lifestyle I’d direct them to your books and this blog.
This issue is two fold for me. If I were to talk more openly about my preferences I would be automatically outing my partner who is a whole lot shyer than me and has his right to privacy. He has expressed that for him this is something between us and he doesn’t want his friends or family knowing what we get up to. Secondly I have a slightly sensitive job and I would not want my personal preferences to jeopardise my chances. Although the type of company I work for has rather comprehensive antidiscrimination policies, if they had two equal applicants but one had an unusual sexual interest would this be the deciding factor.
Sometimes I feel it would be easier but as I’ve kept this a secret for so long other people knowing would seem quiet strange.
We’ve had this conversation before…I do believe it’s easier to say “I like to be spanked” than to say “I like to spank others.” Although people would probably see a bottom as a victim, I imagine it would be worse to be seen as someone who abuses women.
I think I’ve told….three friends (one guy, two girls) about my kink. I only told them because I was fairly sure that they were kinky too. I was right…all three of them were very interested and admitted that they wanted to experience such things too someday. My boyfriend has told one person: his best friend, who also knows that I have a blog.
I only tell people if I’m sure they will understand, though…I like talking with people about it, but I don’t really have any need for conversations where I have to defend myself or my boyfriend.
Overall, my kink stays a secret. I never use my real name online for kinky stuff…just isn’t wise. I don’t want employers or people I know to search for me and then find a blog where I admit that I want to be beaten. Too many people just wouldn’t understand…and frankly, it isn’t any of their business either. It’s my sex life and that should stay at least a little private
Funny, the only problem I’ve ever had when telling friends is that that *hate* being referred to as vanilla.
I tell pretty much anyone I get close to- it tends to come as a natural progression from explaining that my boyfriend is older and married, to how I met him, to the fact that I’m into BDSM. Everyone I’ve ever told has been utterly chilled out about it, though generally quite curious. There’s probably something in the context of who I tell- 18/19/20 year old arts students do tend to be quite open minded in the first place.
The exception to my totally open rule is work. I don’t feel the need to share my lifestyle with people I’ve worked with- but then I don’t think it’s ever okay to shout about your sex life at work.
My main aim is for this never to be my dirty little secret- I don’t want to be blackmail-able, and I don’t want to act like I’m ashamed of what is basically just a sexual predilection which happens to run into other areas of my life. It is absolutely not my defining feature, but it is certainly not something I’ve ever felt ashamed of.
Who knows what I do (or I’m “into” at least)
– well my work colleagues do certainly, I’ve never hidden it though I don’t talk about it often. If they ask I will discuss it. Most of them don’t get it completely and always assume that there must be “sex” involved somewhere and when I try and explain the adult “school” roleplay they really do look blankly. That said, I spent a fortnight away on a job with one guy and he was fascinated – now he’s a pupil at one of the “schools” where I “teach” and he has no problems understanding…
– my family do not know. They just wouldn’t understand. Too much religion I suspect (both my parents are Lay Preachers), hey ho. If they asked I wouldn’t lie but I would simply avoid the question
I’m with Purple Sky in that, when you have a long-term partner, outing yourself also involves outing your partner. That rather has to be negotiated, I think.
I also tend to think that people have a right not to know what you do in the bedroom. Most really, really don’t want to know. Close friends may, and I think saying that you’re interested in BDSM should be easier for them to digest than just saying “I’m into spanking”.
Semantically, BDSM tends to be seen as a lifestyle, whereas spanking is a specific activity. Saying you’re into BDSM in no way says you “beat women”, just that your sexuality involves power play. If a friend is comfortable with finding out the specifics, they’re going to ask.
I’ll have to add my voice to the others who said similar things and say I don’t think interest in spanking should be a matter for public discussion, with the possible exception of those rather intimate discussions one sometimes has with close friends that delve into such matters. (For example, if she’s already telling you the way he *ahem* made love to her last night, then yeah, you can mention spanking.) Outside the bonds of close and candid friendship, telling people one is into spanking is about as appropriate as telling people that one is into anal play, or figging, it’s too intimate a detail to be appropriate for common conversation.
There is one other dimension for me – in that, because I write so much and have books pubished etc., it’s not just a question of not talking about what I do in terms of my sexuality – there’s a huge area of my life that’s effectively out of bounds for discussion. I doubt that’d be the same for people who write vanilla erotica, for example.
Loving the thoughtul comments – will read and respond to some of them more later on!
I’m with Purple Sky and Haron on this. NOBODY in G.’s life knows about him being into this, which is why I’ve chosen to use just his initial when I talk about him. My mom found out accidentally, because we were in a leather shop and who knew the good stuff was in the back room? She went looking for me and found me back there. LOL She threatened to tease me about it for the rest of forever, but got over that after a day or so. Her problem with it is that she thinks it’s because of things that happened when I was a kid. It’s in SPITE of what happened actually. I own it.
Other than that, one friend knows, and is relatively non-vanilla herself, so she’s okay with it. I just don’t let her see pics and things even though I’ll TELL her what happened at parties.
Having this kink is in some ways more difficult than being gay. You can tell people day to day things you did with your partner, and MOST people won’t freak out. You can’t go around telling them that you went to the most amazing spanking party and had a great time without them thinking that you’re a freak. Parties have nothing to do with sex, but it’s the spanking part that they just can’t understand.
(Yes, more from me.)
I think those of you who have mentioned taking your partner’s feelings into consideration are absolutely right. A large reason why I started being honest with my friends was the discomfort Paul felt being caught up in the web of lies and half-truths I was telling before. The truth made it easier for him to socialize without worrying he was stepping onto a landmine. What I was surprised about was how much closer and more comfortable with my vanilla friends I ended up feeling.
So we hide away our true identify if we’re in sensitive jobs.
We hide it if we see spanking as a purely sexual activity (and hence not legitimately of interest to anyone else), rather than being something of a lifestyle choice – that determines who are close friends are, and what we choose to do in our spare time.
We hide it from our families, because they just wouldn’t want to know or understand.
And we hide it if our partner(s) isn’t (aren’t) happy with others knowing (in which case, isn’t that a more fundemantel issue with / disconnect within the relationship?)
And if all of the above are false, we consider hiding what we’re really into behind a more generic term of being into “BDSM”, as if anything more specific is somehow shameful or too complex to explain?
No wonder it sometimes feels tough being a spanko.
Maybe I’m being too blunt in my precis. Or maybe the very thoughtful comments here do simply emphasise why I won’t out myself for who and what I really am.
Hi Abel,
I don’t think you’re being too blunt, but I don’t feel you represented my POV (probably because I expressed it badly) as to why I would describe myself to anyone outside the scene as being into BDSM rather than spanking.
I don’t do it to hide behind a generic but because, first I’m into a lot more than spanking (face slapping, hand tawsing, roleplay, physical domination, rape fantasies, etc). “Spanking” doesn’t cover it and speaks to a physical act, when in reality, for me, the words “discipline” and “sadism” come much closer to where my kinks lie. I’m into being disciplined, I’m into suffering at the hands of a sadist. I’m not really into being “spanked” for spanking sake.
Hope that makes sense. I totally understand your choice to keep private. However, while I can’t speak to your and Haron’s vanilla friends, mine and Paul’s don’t think less of either us despite their knowing I dress in uniforms and am spanked by him.
Now to figure out what I’m going to wear to SL.
Hi, Mija
There’d been a couple of comments along similar lines. I don’t at all object to those who would consider themselves as being “into BDSM” describing themselves as such. I do have a problem with the suggestion that those who view themselves as being “into spanking” primarily should feel the need to describe themselves as BDSMers to mask their true interests.
Coming into this late, but here’s my two cents…
How many vanilla friends/acquaintances do you know who have felt the need to describe their sex lives to you? Have your parents or siblings ever spoken of what takes place in their bedrooms?
So I don’t necessarily see it as lying or hiding – I believe the vast majority of people don’t feel the need to discuss their sex lives with their relatives.
Having said that – having raised a child, I did speak to him about it, from very early on, because I didn’t want him getting traumatised by hearing or seeing anything and mis-interpreting. I always tried to be as non-specific as possible – like, when he was about 3 I had told him that sometimes grown-ups played noisy games just like kids did, and if ever we woke him with out noise, he shouldn’t worry about it, just go back to sleep.
As he grew older he occasionally woke a couple of times, and would bang on the wall telling us to shut up so he could sleep
I progressed to telling him, at around 6 that all sorts of people loved all sorts of other people and it was ok for two guys or two women or more to lvoe each other so long as they were all happy.
When he was around 10, he asked, in a very suspiscious voice, whether these noisy grownup games were *sex* games. I laughed and said yes, and again he was ok with that.
When he was a couple years older I told him that different people liked playing all sorts of sexy games – spoke generally about a bunch of different fetishes – nothing too heavy eg – a ballon fetish as opposed to asphyxiation, naughty schoolgirls as opposed to heavy spanking or bdsm, and I told him again not to worry about any noise he might hear in the night.
A couple of years later, when I was having a row with my ex (not his dad) he asked if I had been hit. I told him that if the ex and I had got into a physical fight, there was no doubt I would have won, as I outweighed him by about 2:1, and that any ‘hitting’ was consensual and ok.
I know that’s getting away from the original subject – but I kinda wanted to explain. When you actually live with other people in a house, it’s almost impossible to avoid them seeing/hearing something, so there has to be a degree of knowledge, but it doesn’t have to be detail-specific.
As far as friends go – I do understand that it can feel like you’re hiding a part of yourself – and I have spoken to various friends over the years. If I suspect the friend is also a kinkster, then I may be a little more open, if I suspect they are vanilla I tend to take the old ‘slap and tickle, nudge nudge wink wink’ approach, because I feel if people can laugh at something they aren’t afraid of it. I find it a handy way to guage if I can talk deeper about the subject or whether they would rather not.
If these are people that you meet in RL whilst with a partner as opposed to online friends, then a play-spank once in a while is also giving an ‘in’ for further discussion. Or a joky ‘take you over my knee’ type statement.
Deep and heavy is scary, but light-hearted is a good intro imo.
Also coming to this late, I share many of the reasons for withholding ‘kinky’ aspects of myself.
It doesn’t though feel at the expense of being dishonest to my true identity. At the risk that this could be self-deception, it seems as natural to me to be sensitive to where others are coming from, what they are comfortable with hearing , and to whom I am willing to share deep aspects of myself as it is to like to be spanked. How I respond is part of who I am, who I actively choose to be , and would be true even if society was generally more accepting of non conventional behaviour.
When I understood myself less well, and particularly when I struggled with the paradox of being very comfortable with exercising (even needing ) power and yet enjoying being spanked, I am not so sure it would have been so easy to be clear about this. Part of me felt ashamed of my kink and then ashamed at being ashamed and pushed into a need for disclosure. A greater awareness and acceptance of the whole of who I am actually has created the way to more intimacy about the more submerged aspects of myself with a greater range of people and also acceptance of why and when I am silent.
I missed this but I think considering how other people would feel about being told is very important. A few close friends know, some because an ex outed me and so I explained and a couple of others I’ve just told because conversation has headed that way.
My family don’t know and I think they would be extremely uncomfortable if they did – not because it was BDSM or spanking but because I’m their little girl/big sister and they’d really rather not think about me having sex at all. Likewise I have no desire to know what my siblings get up to in the bedroom…I would also worry about my Mum being upset.
By and large I’m not ‘out’ because I think it’s a personal thing and not something that needs to be public. I also think with wider accquaintences there is a risk of becoming ‘the kinky one’ and I don’t want to be defined by that…