Missing in action

Ever read my Fetlife profile? Here’s how it begins:

“You stand in front of me in your school uniform: nervous, unable to meet my eyes. You can’t quite believe that you’re here in the Headmaster’s study; that you’ve been caught. You’ve tried to explain, but to no avail. You’ve listened with dread as I’ve explained that girls who break the rules need to be punished, knowing what that must mean. I stand, open the cupboard and take out a cane…”

Roleplay, you see, has always been at the heart of my kink. I’ve written about it extensively on Spanking Writers over the years; others have described scenes on their blogs on numerous occasions. And you’ll have seen the most recent entry here – a lovely guest piece by Lily Bolane based on a scene she and I played together.

There was another fabulous piece of writing about roleplay just last week across on Leia-Ann Woods’ blog – a superb account that captured perfectly the thrill of an extended scene, which she’d played with my dear friend HH. It’s genuinely the best piece of writing about roleplay that I’ve read in a long time – and reminded me of the thrill of planning and playing long scenes.

But it also made me realised that I’ve ignored the core part of my kink for far too long. I’ve been playing pretty extensively lately – three times with different friends in consecutive evenings last week alone. I genuinely am a lucky man, in so very many ways. But the scene with Lily, back in November, was my last pre-planned 1:1 roleplay.

I’ve enjoyed some wonderful scenes of a more spontaneous nature in recent months; I’ve had great fun exploring different styles of play (beating girls because I can; for fun: to make them submit; to turn them on; because they want to be beaten); I’ve played one of the hottest group scenes of my life, with EJ and HH on our weekend away in March; I’ve taught at a most enjoyable kinky school. I’m delighted at how my play has evolved and taken me in new directions: exploring new things has been fascinating and rewarding. I’ve listened to others describing their play plans, and (sometimes having to suppress a lurking degree of envy) taken vicarious pleasure from those.

And yet. And yet…

Oh the joy of a carefully planned scene with a play partner one trusts absolutely. Of swapping notes in advance: characters developed, backstories filled in. Those emails back and forth: the joy of plotting, conspiring, refining… The thrill of anticipation as the scene looms; of disappearing completely into role as one plays; of hugs (back out of character) afterwards.

You know, nearly six months is a long time for me to have gone without getting to enjoy the aspect of spanking play that I crave the most, that gives me the greatest thrill. Don’t get me wrong: I’m amazingly happy with life right now. But it does feel rather as if the core of my kink – and, hence, my sexuality – has gone missing in action somewhere en route. I’d like to rediscover it. I need to.