One of the toughest emotions to handle in a community where many people play with more than one partner is jealousy. Not an Odalisque wrote a superb post on the subject back in October:
Non-poly people, on learning I’m polyamorous, always want to know if I’m jealous. I say that I’m not, and receive a puzzled look, then usually a statement that they would get jealous, that they just couldn’t do it, which is strange because I’ve never invited them to. It’s a lie, of course. I do get jealous, I just don’t get jealous about sex…
But I do get jealous. I get horribly, irrationally jealous. I get jealous of people I hardly know. I’m jealous of friends of friends for being diverting and funny. I’m jealous of kinksters on Twitter who have more play and have better pain tolerances than I do. I’m jealous of friends’ partners because they get to see a side of my friends I’ll never know. I’m jealous of writers who have had their work published, even though I’ve never sent anything to a literary agent. I burned with jealousy when my father praised his girlfriend’s daughter’s cooking. She hadn’t even left home, my reaction was ridiculous…
I’m willing to work at it because jealousy is such a horrible feeling. On a selfish level, I just don’t want the experience of it, but I don’t want to be a partner who limits the people I’m with (rather the reverse). Dealing with jealousy brings freedom… freedom for me to see other people, for him to see other people, for me to say no, the obvious question is whether there’s a point when I’ll want less freedom and more security… So I’ll take the risk of being replaced as we all do, but comforted by the knowledge that I’ll see my usurper coming. There’s a chance I’ll be jealous then.
With my own poly post, the post made me confront my own feelings of jealousy. Here, for what it’s worth, is an extract from my comment:
I’ve never been jealous of my partners. Love, trust and honesty go hand in hand – and a slightly voyeuristic streak means I’ve found the thought of them doing hot and interesting things with others to be rather exciting. And, not least, I’ve been happy for them; glad that others love them as I do; glad they’re being taken care of and enjoying themselves.
[But] when partners do deep things with others that they no longer do with me, even in ways that are entirely understandable (and where we’ve mutually agreed that they’re not right)? … OMG, then, the insecurity – and hence the (shameful) jealousy – is hard to stave off.
Beautifully honest, as always….
That’s an interesting topic, Abel! I don’t see jealousy as negatively as you do. In my opinion it can be bad if it is overdone, but I don’t think it’s a generally purely bad emotion / trait. I am not in an open relationship and I wouldn’t want to be in one. I was always searching for someone for an exclusive relationship (regarding sex, not regarding spending time with friends and the like) and I would rather have no partner than being in an open relationship. I have no desire to have sex with anyone other than Ludwig and I have found a partner in him who has a similar point of view. It’s a bit more difficult when it comes to spanking – our rule is that we sometimes play with others, but only with both of us being present and without any other form of sexual contact (kissing, intimate touch and the like). Ludwig is mostly only interested in play with others when it comes to making videos, anyway, and I haven’t got a huge desire to play with different people, either. I am a jealous person (if I have the feeling that I am not enough for my partner in a field which I consider being important) and I would definitely have a problem if Ludwig wanted to have sex with others or kinky play without me being involved. But then, our relationship wouldn’t be as I want my love relationship to be, anyway. It wouldn’t be that special two-some relationship I always dreamed of.
That said, I can relate to the advantages of polyamory and I am absolutely aware that it works very well for those who are open to such a kind of relationship (or, such kinds of relationships). And I understand that this can’t work if the participants react with jealousy when one of their partners is involved with another person. I guess that even for people who are open to a polyamorous relationship this can be difficult at times, though. I can, for example, absolutely relate to your point about being jealous when a partner is doing deep things with another person that the two of you don’t do together (any more).