A great article last weekend by Sophie Morgan, author of ‘The Diary of a Submissive‘ (which I reviewed and recommended here a couple of weeks back). In it, she challenges some of the preconceptions that ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ has “cemented… about both submissive women and their dominants” – and talks huge sense about relationships that involve kink.
It’s an important piece for those of us interested in how the wider public view kink; I hope she (and the Guardian) won’t therefore mind if I quote from it at some length…
[B]eing submissive is only one facet of the person I am – and not even the most important. I’m a 33-year-old girlfriend, daughter, sister, friend, journalist, Scrabble fiend, caffeine addict and dozens of other things besides. And, despite what you might have read to the contrary, my sexual urges don’t overshadow every other aspect of my personality and life. I’m also, and this might be a tougher sell in some quarters, a feminist.
I’m not broken… I don’t use drugs or drink to excess and have no medical issues, psychological or physical, that more ill-informed people might point to as an explanation for my urges. I just enjoy it, OK?…
Without being big headed, in my day-to-day life I can pretty much handle whatever the universe throws at me, so being on the back foot (although not passive, another misconception of what being submissive means) and reacting often brings about an adrenaline high in its own right. Like sky diving but with more nakedness and no plummeting to the ground.
‘Fifty Shades’, she argues, plays into the “misconception that a sexual relationship based around BDSM is, at its core, an abusive one. As such, feminists, quite rightly, have a massive problem with it. But while I’d agree with their summation of that (admittedly fictional) relationship, it’s as different to my relationship with my partner as night is to day.”
We live together happily and are partners in every aspect, bicker about doing the washing, look after each other when we’re ill, work hard, and sometimes are too exhausted for any sex at all. But when the mood strikes us, he takes total control, inflicting pain, pleasure, or often a mixture of both. It’s exhilarating, fun, and admittedly often intense, but has brought about a level of communication between us that I think is one of the core strengths of our relationship….
Despite what I like to do in bed I consider myself a feminist and find it very depressing that because of my informed sexual choices there are women who’d want to wave “down with this sort of thing” placards in my direction.
Don’t get me wrong, I understand that what I enjoy is – in a different context – potentially another woman’s worst nightmare. It’s not something everyone might indulge in, but should I wish to, within safe, sane and consensual circumstances and in privacy with my trusted partner, I’m very uncomfortable with anyone telling me I can’t or I shouldn’t.
The sexual aspect of my relationship is completely separate from other aspects of it – I am in control of my finances, my reproductive health, my career, my social life and all the other things that feminism has fought for. I genuinely believe it’s the fundamental misunderstanding of what BDSM is that contributes a lot to feminists’ opposition to dominant/submissive relationships – and this misunderstanding is perpetuated in epic fashion across EL James’s trilogy…
It comes back to the nature of consent, the fact that I am enjoying rather than enduring what we’re doing and that fundamentally the power remains with me. I decide who to submit to, how much control to give them and what my limits are. And if I use my safe word then it stops immediately. Feeling challenged, even feeling demeaned within this sexual context is different to domestic abuse…
Oh for more of this sort of eloquent advocacy on behalf of those of us who happen to be kinky. And good on the Guardian for publishing it. It even led to comments that, by that newspaper’s readers’ sometimes hysterical standards, were remarkably balanced and thoughtful.