Long-standing readers of this blog will know that, for many years, I described myself as ‘poly’. Married (then) to Haron; each enjoying close, caring, loving relationships with others as well as with one another. It was a wonderful time.
My current status and mindset is very different: hugely in love with one person, extremely happy, and with no desire whatsoever for romance with anyone else. Playing with others is still part of what makes me tick – in a cp sense as well as (occasionally) sexually – but in an ‘open’ sense, without the deep emotional and day-to-day real-life vanilla-world attachment that I always associate with ‘poly’.
EJ too has other play partners, including (as readers of her blog will appreciate) one especially deep friendship – but we’re both very clear indeed that ours is not a poly relationship. (Which, in a way, might strike some as strange, I guess – given that’s where we started out).
And that’s made me stop and think. Because I think I’ll always be kinky: I think that’s part of my DNA – something deep within me, essential for my happiness and fulfilment, even if it’s relatively inconsequential in the overall context of my real-world hopes and dreams. On the other hand, being poly for me was more of a choice than something intrinsic: something that worked (wonderfully) at a given time and with certain fabulous people, which came somewhat out of the blue and was fabulous, but which isn’t a necessary pre-requisite for my happiness.
It yet again strikes me that – for me, at least – as Indy argued so powerfully a while back on her blog, kink truly is an orientation. But we’re all different: I’d love to hear others’ views.
…r.e. poly relationships…I see for some people they seem to work, but for me that horrible emotion called jealousy woulden’t allow it.
It could be seen as a huge matter of trust -your partner having muliple play partners, but you have to maybe look at if you want those types of relationships yourself, I know I get a lot out of sharing my love of spanking with others , as well as my b/f…..so to be precious about him wanting similar just wouldent be fair.
Kink is something intrinsic for me as well. It’s not something I chose, but something I discovered very early and that I don’t expect (or want) to get ever out of my head. Living it is a choice, though. It’s an interesting question whether it is a prerequisite to happiness.
As I get older and watch other girls who shared the adventure with me get jobs, married, kids etc., I sometimes wonder. They don’t stop being kinky, but their priorities shift in a way that seems to squeeze out kink practically. They miss it, but more in a nostalgic “those were the days” sort of way. I notice this with myself as well. We both have absorbing jobs, and my boyfriend sometimes has to work abroad for several weeks at a time. I’m longing for him to get back, of course, but I can’t say that I’m suffering from kink withdrawal in the meantime. (Ok, maybe that’s just because I spent the free time on catching up with interesting blogs.
) Seriously, even now there is stuff (my family, for example) that’s more important to me than discipline and submissive sex and I suspect there will be more stuff once I start a family of my own. That’s still in the future, but the clock is ticking and I wonder what it will be like four or five years from now.
I never experienced poly in the deeper, day-to-day sense that Abel refers to, so I can’t comment. I had (and still have) a small circle of close friends to “play” with, but for all the fun and pain and sex I never fell in love with any of them and I never ventured out into the wider scene. As long as there’s trust, I don’t mind being shared and, honestly, I’m fascinated by watching other girls suffer at the hands of my boyfriend. (I did mention that I’m kinky, right?) However, for serious attachment of the “let’s fall in love and live happily everafter” sort, I’m afraid I’m an old-fashioned ‘mono’ person.
I agree with blush. I couldn’t imagine being in a poly relationship; jealousy would be a huge issue for both of us. Kink is an intrinsic part of my makeup. I was born that way and it isn’t going to go away. I think poly or mono is more of a cultural or societal orientation that you can have or not.
Hugs,
Hermione
That’s a very intriguing topic! I absolutely agree with you, Abel, and with Indy. For me, my spanking kink is a sexual orientation. I have been kinky for as long as I can remember and the kink is what turns me on sexually. Being monogamous (or poly) is something that I would consider a lifestyle choice. That doesn’t mean that it must be less constant or important. I always wanted a certain special monogamous kind of relationship and I don’t think that I will ever become open for being poly. But this is not so much about what turns me on, it is about how I want to structure my life and which kind of love relationship and family life I want. That’s why I would call my being monogamous a lifestyle choice rather than a sexual orientation.
I’m so happy that you are happy and it is so interesting to watch you evolve, as you mentioned again in your recent post this October 15th. I tend to think of my ‘kink’ as a craving. I have had very similar thoughts (but more involved and grown up) since I was about 5 years old. When my kink is indulged I am a very happy person and when it is absent I feel…less. I want…the more of my kink. I don’t crave to be or to play with multiple partners. I just crave to be in a relationship in which my kink is understood, acknowledged and celebrated. I imagine that there are people who crave multiple partners and that is intrinsically them but perhaps there is also some experimentation involved and ultimately it evolves what truly makes them feel happy in their own skin. (The desire to belong is a huge need of nearly all people.) It’s not that I can’t imagine being in love with more than one person. I can. But, I think that shared love would somehow relate, for me, in the expression of that kink. If the kink is truly the core of you, it demands to be expressed, one way or the other.