A paper features one of those silly grammar tests that one can’t help but read – and then find annoying. This was inspired by the headmaster of a top public school, who – “shocked by the poor grammar” of applicants from the state sector – has instituted an exam for prospective staff.
Some are simple: what’s the plural of ‘tomato’ or ‘mother-in-law’, for example. Some are plain silly: is ‘murmuration’ a proper, common, abstract or collective noun?
Then there are the ones that intrigue:
- Which tense is being used in the following sentence: “They are playing a dirty game.”
- Put the apostrophe in the correct place: “The dogs bollocks.”
- Select the correct spelling: “The seamen / semen were hoping for a good hall / haul of place / plaice.”
- Complete the sentence: “It wasn’t — who messed up our marriage.”
Just as I was pondering “the milkman” for the last of these, and realising that the only permissible options were ‘I’ or ‘me’, I started to imagine the consequences for a candidate who had just failed the test.
A delightful lass, a couple of years into her teaching career. Hard working, bright, loved by her pupils. Applying for a dream job. Missing out on the grammar front by a couple of marks..
.. told by the headmaster that she could still have the job if she promised to undertake intensive tuition under his supervision over the summer holiday. Strict, intensive, personal tuition. “To be very plain: I am a firm believer in the efficacy of corporal punishment, and whilst it is not allowed for our students these days, when it comes to private arrangements such as this, I feel it to be entirely appropriate.”
And she’d look at him, and something inside her would melt, and her agreement would be immediately – perhaps too hastily – forthcoming.