So, someone wants to play with you. You want to play with them. You have the opportunity to do so. Nothing to stop you, right?
But what if the other person had a significant other who wouldn’t be happy if you played with their partner? Would you still go ahead and play?
I had a fascinating wine-fuelled debate about this with a dear and trusted friend a little while back in one of my favourite London eating houses. Much, I should say (as with much of a very frank and open conversation) to the evident surprise of the folks on the neighbouring tables!
View 1: It’s the other person’s choice, and nothing to do with you. Why should you second-guess their relationship?
View 2: …but if it’s not second-guessing: if you know the other partner and their views. Does that change things?
View 3: …and does the degree of the possible consequences of your play, if it came to the attention of the other partner, impact your decision? Upsetting them versus breaking up a relationship?
In the past, I have – more than once – played with people without the knowledge of their respective partners, and knowing that the impact on their relationship could have been damaging if what we’d done had come to light. But I stuck with the principle of “your choice, your decision”.
I’m not entirely sure that is what I’d decide now, but I would wrestle with my conscience both ways. And if I knew my playmate’s partner, a la scenarios 2 or 3, I think I’d see that as too much of a barrier.
Not easy, this scene stuff, at times. What do others think? What do you do?
Ah… you ask interesting questions. In the past I have had liaisons with partnered people, some with the knowledge of their partners, some without, and the more interesting categories of the inbetweens where the partner knows but isn’t happy about it or where you know the partner….
I was a lot more careless when I was younger, and pretty pmuch thought, as you did, that it was *their* choice how they conducted their relationships and I had nothing to feel guilty about.
Well… I’m older now, and I guess a little bit wiser. I would not now play with someone in private where I knew the partner didn’t know or didn’t approve, although I might in a club setting. The club setting is impersonal enough that I wou;dn’t be overly concerned, but playing in private would feel to me like enabling the cheating, the lying, the negative feelings, so I choose not to do that any more.
Of course, I know plenty of people who are single or in relationships which allow for playing away, and I’m very happy in the relationship I am in which gives me everything I need and want, so I realise that it’s a lot easier for me to make that ethical call than for someone who is single and isn’t really into the clubbing sccene where they could find potential playmates.
It’s a decision that only the individuals concerned can make, and my choice is to steer clear.
I think if my ex had been ok with it (and if you hadn’t been so incredibly respectful of my relationship), we would have played a very long time ago. But that wouldn’t have been nearly as lovely. There would have been too much guilt and pain involved, and I respect you so much for always keeping your distance, until I was available for play without hurting someone else. There was always a lot of flirting and a lot of attraction, but you never did anything, and though I wanted to so badly, neither did I. And I think that’s what makes our friendship so lovely.
I also don’t think I would play with someone if I knew it would upset someone else or possibly even break up a relationship. I would feel too guilty about it. If they really want to play so badly, to the extent that they would hurt they partner for it, I think they should just break up. If anyone wants to cheat, that’s their decision, but I don’t want to get involved.
xx
Wow, that’s a very interesting and at the same time very difficult question.
First and foremost I think it’s up to the person in the relationship to decide what they will or won’t do. There are so many different ways to live a relationship that it is almost impossible to judge from the outside what is right or wrong in this one specific partnership.
Now if you know both parties it gets increasingly difficult especially if you do know that the partner doesn’t approve. However I still believe it is the person’s decision what to do in or outside their relationship. Just as much as it is yours if you want to get involved or not. Because even if you don’t, the other person might find someone else to play anyway. And nobody can know what’s going on behind closed doors in that particular relationship.
After even I know quite a few people out there who live something like a double life, happily playing with others when their significant other sometimes doesn’t even know that they are into this kind of stuff.
Personally I think trust and honesty are the most important values and the foundation of a relationship. And in a healthy relationship there should always be room to talk about everything. Even if I know it is not always easy to do that.