Sitting in a pub with a decidedly vanilla friend on Monday night. She disappears to powder her nose, and I pick up the Evening Standard, abandoned by a previous drinker.
I glimpse my friend returning from the far side of the bar, and fold away the paper. Fold the paper, in all innocence, in such a way that the headline on the top of the page reads: “Taking the danger out of a spot of good honest spanking”.
I nearly choked, and only just composed myself before said young lady reappeared at my side. Yes, dear readers, the Standard did it again. Said paper accidentally found its way into my briefcase for the journey back to my hotel.
“One of the more peculiar experiences I had recently was attending a two-hour ‘spanking skills’ seminar in Soho House in order to write it up for a glossy magazine”. (I’m not into it myself, see? Let’s just make sure that the denial gets into paragraph one. I was only doing it for the money. Really. After all, my friends might read this).
“I will spare you a blow-by-blow account” (groan) “and only reveal that the thing that really struck me – so to speak” (as if we hadn’t noticed your first cliched comment earlier in the sentence) “was the fact that the best part of the first hour was given over to an earnest lecture from the seminar’s two young and energetic tutors on health and safety issues.”
“Where to spank?” (People paid money to be enlightened on this? I am missing a business opportunity).
“How to spank? And with what? And so on. Honestly, as the long minutes ticked by I – who have no previous form or interest in this or, sadly, any other form of deviancy” (no, really, I’m not in the least bit curious; and these folks are all deviants; I don’t condone them for a moment) “- was checking my watch and almost champing to get on with it.”
And then the rest of the article lacked a single reference to spanking, other than a snide remark about “mild transgressive behaviour”. Quite bizarre.
People get paid to write this stuff? Still, thank you, Rachel “I’m not into spanking honestly” Johnson for at least writing an eye-catching headline. Although I’m guessing that a sub-editor probably did that for you.
*smiles* Maybe Rachel read her April ‘Scarlet’ mag and just had to do some research of her own!
Hi, Sue – two things have always put me off buying Scarlet:
(1) I’d assumed it was very vanilla, and
(2) The doubtless-scornful looks from the shop assistant (“Sir, you appear to have wandered into the women’s magazine section. Let me show you where we keep ‘GQ'”).
Perhaps I should buy a copy. For Haron, you understand.
Was April’s issue of particular note? Do they sell back copies? Now you’ve got me curious!
They do indeed. And don’t you dare bid on the 2 back issues on eBay – I’ve got a snipe on that auction. If I win it you can have the May issue, as I’ve already got it.
Oh, and I marvel at your groans and eye-rolling at the cliches. You’re guiltier of that than most!
Cliches? Moi?
Abel, if you REALLY are all that curious, I’ll mail you mine. (For Haron, of course.) Having read it now, it was headed for the recycler!
I don’t normally buy Scarlet, but the front cover header – PLUS A Spanking Masterclass – tempted me more than I could resist!