Last week we noticed that one of our local attractions, Alnwick Castle, was topping the list of UK’s ‘must see’ sites. We were very proud. We always take our visitors there – and don’t you know it, spankings sometimes happen.
One of the most interesting things in the castle gardens is the poison garden, the pet project of the Dutchess of Northumbeland, who has built the whole Alnwick Garden from scratch. The poisonous plants look pretty innocent to the botanically challenged people like me, but I love the idea of this little corner of the garden where there’s enough poison to wipe out a small town.
On our last visit to Alnwick with a pair of our guests, in the gift-shop Abel picked up a book called “The Poison Diaries” by Jane, Dutchess of Northumberland. Printed in an increasingly chaotic inked script, it’s densely illustrated with pictures of plants, people, plants-turning into people, people suffering deaths by plants – grizzly, pretty, and very much a sort of a fantasy book Abel thought I might like.
What we didn’t expect as we thumbed through it, was to find something so thickly populated with spanking references, that per page of text it has to be the kinkiest mainstream book I’ve ever set my eyes on.
Purporting to be an old text from the library of the Alnwick Castle, the text is a diary by Weed, an apothecary’s apprentice. The starting point of his adventures is his master showing him the way into a secret poison garden:
Today my master, the stinking old apothecary, ordered me to follow him. I obeyed, because I didn’t want another whipping.
There we are, a reference in the first paragraph. It gets better: the wicked plants begin to talk to Weed, seducing him with their stories.
Belladonna tells him:
“Consider that horrible old man who comes here. We see how he makes you suffer and for daring to lay his hands on you, he must die. All of us here are agreed.”
Initially, Weed is horrified by this suggestion, but curiosity draws him into the garden every night, and every night the plants try to bend him to their poisonous will.
As though to help them along with their plan, the master punishes Weed pretty much every night. Some references are only a few brief words, and some are a bit more detailed. The plants’ idea of revenge is ever more tempting:
…the next thing I knew, I was woken by the belt of my master across my back. … All I could think of as he lashed me, is how good it would be to watch him fall asleep, never to open his eyes again.
The book’s sheer kinkiness culminates in a chapter where Weed meets the Nux Vomica plant. I can’t help but quote a big, juicy chunk:
Before I could say anything, she began to talk in a stern voice that demanded obedience.
“You will use the seeds I will give you to make Strychnine, and you will poison this apothecary person. If you fail to do so, I will be greatly displeased. Do you wish me to be displeased, Weed?
Would you like to be punished?”
It must have been only a branch, but it seemed that she swished a cane, as though longing to whip me with it. Quickly I said, “No, Miss, umm…”
“Those who satisfy are allowed to call me Strict Nina, or Mistress Strict. For now you will call me Mistress, but when the vile man is dead, we shall see. If, on the other hand, you fail me,” she said with another swish of her cane, “you will find that I like to inflict exquisite pain, young Weed.”
[…]
“Stiff and thrashing, Weed. It’s a fine sight.”
I clapped my hands. “Mistress, I cannot wait to begin.”
“Good, you must not disappoint me.” She swished her cane one more time and then asked me in a hopeful voice…
“Before you go, would you like a little taste of agony?”
A dominatrix plant. Whatever next? I wonder how a talking rattan plant would behave.
I would have probably enjoyed “The Poison Diaries” even without all this spanking stuff – it’s a beautiful book – but the belt-wielding master and the domme plant make it so much better.
Abel, who has long had a crush on the Dutchess of Northumberland, would like to know whether she has a really kinky ghost-writer… and if not, whether she frequents the same web-sites that we do.
I just wonder if the Dutchess reads your blog…. she may get in touch and invite you both for tea, fingers crossed!
Heehee… If that happened, Abel might spontaneously combust!
Mind you, after reading that poison book, I don’t know about touching food in that castle. I wonder if their tea-rooms are making any profit these days 😉
Of course, another scenario is that Duke has no idea that his wife is publishing spanking porn… and has to deal with the matter when he does find out….
I just googled to see what the Duchesss looks like… nice smile! Best thing was that this blog post came up 4th on the list, so I anticipate a swift increase in visits to the poison garden and book sales going through the roof, as well as lots of wandering souls hopefully looking for those spankings that sometimes happen! …. that invitation to tea must be on its way 😉
You mean wives who write spanking porn are dealt with by their husbands? Now there’s a reason to publish one’s stories!