“Daily Mail” has a section called Answers to Correspondents. You write to them with your question, they publish it, and then publish responses sent in by other readers.
Last week’s page included a question:
My father was at school in the Fifties and said there was not much bad behaviour because ‘those who caused trouble would get six of 12 with the tawse.’ What’s a tawse?
I smelled a rat when I read this question. If the correspondent genuinely didn’t know, why didn’t he or she asked the father, rather than writing to a newspaper? I bet they were fishing for people’s stories of childhood corporal punishment. Oh, the rascals.
The idea does lend itself to an interesting game: seeing what sort of outrageous question you can get into the newspaper.
My granny said her governess used to spank her with a brush. I think it’s outrageous, poor granny. Were all governesses allowed to do things like that?
Or
My new boyfriend has a collection of solid ebony hairbrushes on his bedside table, but he is completely bald. Why are they there?
Or
I was going through airport security, and the man behind me set off the metal detector. He calmly explained that it was because of Prince Albert, and was allowed through. What does Queen Victoria’s dead husband have to do with metal detectors?
OK, I’ve exhausted my supply of naughtiness for this morning. Would you like to have a go? Or, better yet, would you like to just send your questions to the papers, and see if you get in?
Surely the spankable offence is admitting to reading the Daily Mail in the first place.
As for a naughty question, why not “Is it true that courts could order the birch? When did they stop this barbaric practice, and did it work?”
Oh, very good!
There’s a huge answer in today’s Daily Mail about the practice of hard labour, as it happens… Too coincidental to be true, perhaps – I think there may be something in Haron’s theory of these questions being intentional.
And I’m only reading the DM because I’m at my aunt’s and that’s what she takes. I’m now in the village (hence the internet connection!) and off to see if I can find me a Grauniad!
“My aunt tells me she was caned by her Headmaster at school. Surely they didn’t cane *girls*?”
“My boyfriend always has a hockey bag in the boot of his car but he doesn’t even play hockey. Are there other uses for hockey bags that i’m just not aware of?”
ROFL I so need a hockey bag!
Next up:
“Why does the girl next door keep coming back from the woods with freshly-cut birch rods, looking worried?”
Abel, at death’s door with a horrible cold, needing sympathy
One of my friends used to be in the Navy, Abel, and he told me where to find sympathy… In the dictionary, between sh*t and syphilis, apparently. Not that I’d dare say that to you, of course, but I took great delight in quoting that back to him when he was malingering with man flu…
*CATHERINE*!!!!
I have a feeling that the punishment strap may be called for…
Abel, shocked
Do you mean hockey bags aren’t just for carrying canes in?
You learn something new every day!
“What other possible use could paddles have other than for canoing?”
Surely, any normal person would just type ‘tawse’ into google? Why spend all that time writing to a paper to find information that could be gained in about three seconds?
And I’m not entirely sure what’s come over me, but I actually do feel quite sorry for Abel *hugs*.
Kaya over at underhishand.com has an evil cold happening as well … I wonder if it’s “Blogger’s Flu” … and if we spread it by reading each other’s blogs! 😉
Feel better, Abel!
Haron, how about:
“I keep hearing this reference to the ‘English Vice,’ but no one will tell me what it means! What is this vice, and is it true that only the English have it?”
ZOMG blogger flu! Spread by RSS! Run away, run away!
Awww thanks for all the good wishes
If even Smudge is feeling sorry for you, Abel, then I don’t think I can reasonably be accused of sucking up again if I do the same! Get well soon, and please don’t infect any of my other favorite blog writers (least of all Haron) through RSS.
Abel: NOOOOOOOOO!!!!
And as for the rest of you, how come you’re feeling sorry for Abel, and not for me? That punishment tawse is truly evil, I tell you! Abel can’t really be terribly ill if he’s well enough to threaten a girl with that thing… Jeez, whatever happened to female solidarity? 😉
I have a question about one of your phrases..what does “Prince Albert” have to do with spanking?
Um. I must admit that I don’t really know what Prince Albert has got up to either. Does that make me seem really stupid or could I pass it off as just being naive?
And Abel – I don’t feel sorry for you at all. I dreamt last night that you read out that parable of yours in front of me and my “high school” classmates, then nicked my bike, told me to look for it outside and report back to you when I’d found it, and there was definitely something about you spelling the word ‘bear’ as ‘beer’, though I don’t know what that was about. Well, I suppose it was a teenage version of you, and you started to feel sorry for me at some point and just gave me the key for the lock on my bike. But I never found the damn thing, you know. So no pity from me. (Karma!)
I discovered earlier in the day that the “Prince Albert” mystery is easily cleared up by a quick Google search. More to do with metal detectors than spanking, I’m afraid. Trying to imagine a religious fanatic of one variety or another using that excuse to get through airport security…
Interesting how no-one’s leapt to Catherine’s defence: presumably you all agree therefore that the punishment strap is necessary for her earlier comments. Democracy in action, Cath 😉
Prince Albert… more fetish than spanking. (And no, I don’t, before anyone asks).
Kate’s dreaming about me, everyone…
Abel: I prefer to think they simply haven’t woken up yet. It’s early, after all. 😉
It was too early half an hour ago to be leaping about to anyone’s defense…but it’s not now!
Abel – I think you are being most unfair to poor Catherine. She simply pointed out something a Navy friend of hers once said and you jump in with threats of the evil punishment strap… even after she’d said how she wouldn’t dare make such a comment to you, which seemed very respectful to me, in fact she had only repeated the phrase about where to find sympathy to the person who said in in the first place to point out the error of his ways in using it originally, showing him when he was ill how uncaring such a phrase was and I’m sure he reflected upon this as he lay in his manflu sick bed and is now a reformed character.
All in all, I think it shows Catherine to be a very good girl who doesn’t deserve the punishment strap…and anyway Abel, you’re ill, so would probably not have the strength to use it anyway, then Catherine would laugh at you, which wouldn’t be quite so respectful but would be all your own fault so there!
ps – Hope you’re feeling better Abel?
Abel: Hope you are feeling better. Why don’t you have a little nap? A good sleep always helps.
Catherine: Whilst he’s asleep grab the thing and run for the hills…when he wakes tell him it was all a dream….
Sarah: fiver’s in the post! Plus, if I ever do anything *really* bad, please can I hire you as my defence lawyer?
Catherine – Happy to be your defence lawyer now I know how to spell defence, unlike my earlier attempt.
Erm… just one query… defence lawyers don’t have to share the punishment if they lose the case do they?
Oh no, they just take their fee and go off to their next case. Why did you think I became a lawyer?
To fight for right and justice like a true superhero? Super Haron to save the day…. that’s what I thought anyway…but cash is good too!;)
We’ve had – what? – several thousand hits since this was posted. And there are – what? – two readers pleading for leniency on Catherine’s behalf. Sounds conclusive to me.
If, that is, I can ever lift a strap again.
Abel. Ill. Still needing sympathy.
Abel – That’s two more people than have agreed with you that Catherine deserves to be strapped. Sounds very conclusive to me!
*hugs for the poorly boy…* See, I do sympathy too
Sounds like we need to write to the Daily Mail:
“My friend made a sarcastic comment. I think she should get the strap. Hard. Is that fair?”
—
The nice thing about being ill is that I don’t feel guilty ignoring the pile of work that needed doing today.
Abel: The Daily Mail says no, that isn’t fair at all.
(Especially since nobody has jumped to agree with you – the only two who have expressed an opinion have been on my side!)
So how about a truce… I’ll do sympathy if you leave the punishment tawse at home? Look, I’ll even make the first move – hugs for poorly Abel xxx
Let’s negotiate. The tawsing stands. But I’ll be sympathetic afterwards.
Abel: I get that more than I care to say. It is just like here: “Let’s discuss it and then we’ll do it my way.” Men!!
Sorry Catherine, I tried but it looks like Abel is just a big meanie with a new toy
I wonder which is easier to chop up into little bits, a leather tawse or a rubber one…. I think the rubber one
Rob – that constitutes a sexist comment, you know!
Sarah – don’t go giving her any ideas!
Quite funny how at the end of most posts (read: comments) someone is always set to get whacked, isn’t it?
I don’t know who to agree with. Catherine, because that tawse sounds seriously evil, or Abel, because I’m feeling rather evil myself at the moment. Well, that’s what only 6 hours of sleep will do to you.
Wait. Do all Tops sleep only 6 hours a night then?
You’re not bloody serious are you? It constitutes a truism!!
Can we see a picture of this punishment strap? If it causes Catherine to think twice, it must be something rather impressive.
Oh, it doesn’t look like much, Simon. It’s just a short-tailed, 1.5 cm thick tawse… made out of rubber. Ouch-ouch.
Oh rubber.
Say no more… That would be enough to get anyone to behave.
Snot fair – Catherine should be allowed near it with a pair of scissors 😉
I dunno, I’m more inclined to put it up on eBay or something. ‘Cause it was an expensive sucker, and I’m a frugal sort of brat.
I don’t suppose Katie wants to buy a strap, Simon? 😛
Haron: But one must be charitable. Get a box, put the unwanted item on the bottom and cover it with clothes that you don’t want any more…and off to the charity shop it goes. Then you get that warm feeling of giving.
I’m sure Katie would agree we already have more than enough straps, so if I find her buying one, she’ll be in big trouble!
And I’m sure if Abel found you putting it on ebay he would want words (and you will probably have that ‘warm feeling’ that Rob mentions.)
Loving the way this thread has moved from “should Abel strap Catherine?” to “how should Haron best get rid of the evil strap?”
See, I don’t object to the straps existence, or even to Abel’s ownership of it. I’m far better-behaved when I am a wee bit scared of something – and that strap really is something to be scared of 😉 I just don’t think a cheeky blog comment counts as being bad enough to deserve it.
Then again, if I’m “for it” – as Abel gleefully told me via text message – anyway, I might as well earn it. So… ideas of *really* bad things to do to him, anyone?
Catherine – He does like being woken from an afternoon nap with really loud music, that might be worth a try? 😉
The punishment that Haron would receive if I caught her selling an implement on eBay without permission doesn’t bear thinking about.
Catherine may be right. It *is* a particularly mean implement. Perhaps it should be kept for the worst offences. Maybe I’ll just use the XH Lochgelly instead for the blog comment…
Sarah – stop it!
catherine: You can be so hard to please!! One minute it is “oh no, that awful strap!” so we do our best to get rid of it, and now it is “well I *can* be bad, so the strap better stay.” A sort of love/hate relationship is it!?
So Abel gets to keep his strap and Catherine gets to experience said strap and now everybody should be pretty happy. Yes? No? Maybe so?
Abel: I rather doubt Haron had any intention of selling your latest little number on ebay. We make these helpful suggestions from afar…she lives with you….
catherine: I forgot to say that I agree 100% that you should not be spanked for comments on the blog! Good grief if one were keeping a tally of my cheeky comments things could get rather grim…so I completely concur with your sentiment of ‘no spanking for blog comments’ and I’m sure you would have lots of support on that one.