On the spa menu

I’ve just happened upon the brochure from the spa at the wonderful resort Haron and I visited over the Christmas holidays. It’s full of typical spa-babble, with lots of pseudo-spiritual nonsense seeking to imply that “there is something deeper in this than our desire to fleece you for as much money as possible”. Spa cognoscenti amongst you might recognise the sort of thing:

“Experience deeper healing via this original Malay style massage where special techniques have been passed down over the centuries…”

“Seems to effortlessly melt away any tension held in your body. Lasting benefits include improved sleep, circulation and relaxation.”

“Healing through heat is one of the most nurturing ways to experience deep calmness.”

And yes, the last of these was really in the brochure. It’s inspired me to launch a similar service myself, albeit I would happily take commission from any entrepeneurs who want to use the idea for their own spas. It’ll run something like this:

“The English massage. The perfect choice to remove guilty feelings and help to restore inner peace. Starting with a firm application of palm oil, the instructor applies traditional local products such as rattan and birch, concentrating the mind in an unbelievably intense experience.

Afterwards, meditate whilst standing in the traditional posture with your hands on your head in the special corner of the treatment room, and then relax on the cushions provided as the warm glow of your experience slowly wears off.”