Abel has read somewhere about somebody’s parents putting switches in the freezer before giving a whipping, and how this made the pain particularly awful. Never one to pass up any kinky experimentation, he stuck a few birch twigs in the freezer and crossed his fingers.

Some hours later he invited me to lie face-down on the bed to test the theory of frozen switches. (“Quick, quick! Before they defrost!”) Getting into the spirit of scientific enquiry, I bared my bottom and gritted my teeth.

And what a spectacular failure this experiment has been! Not only were the icicle switches no more painful than usual, I could swear they were more bearable. Normally I find switching very trying, and can hardly ever take more than six or so cuts, but here the sting was quite mild and – dare I confess – pleasant. I encouraged Abel to continue the whipping past the experimental stage, which he did with some force, and although by the end I was quite striped and sore, this wasn’t an ordeal for me, but rather a piquant exercise.

So maybe I’m wrong to call the experiment a failure, after all. I did rather enjoy its results. But the conclusion is the same: putting switches in the freezer doesn’t make them any more fearsome.

And thank goodness for that. Switches are pretty evil without any artificial enhancement.