The posts I’ve selected this year seem to have something of a common theme – about people embracing and exploring their spanking interests. Today’s, from Zille Defeu, is fascinating because it talks about the evolution of her kink, from being primarily BDSM-oriented to encompassing more spanking play.
When I first moved from BDSMville to the spankosphere, my attitude was the usual one you’d find in a dungeon: masochism is gooooood – in fact, the people who get the most “respect” in that scene are the serious pain sluts who could basically be skinned alive and would yet orgasm repeatedly during the process.
Imagine my confusion, upon entering the spankosphere, to come across people proclaiming loudly that they would do just anything to get out of the upcoming spanking – it was a complete and total paradigm shift, and, as you can see, I’m still not fully comprehending things…
It really took me getting together with Mr. Defeu for me to learn that it was okay to have a scene where I hated – or at least really suffered through – every moment of the spanking (or other assorted play).
In the BDSM world, that’s a huge no-no. The goal is to alchemically transform the raw stuff of pain into shimmering golden threads of pleasure – and if you don’t, the bottom feels inferior and the Top feels they have failed their bottom, and everyone goes home unhappy.
I don’t think it was always like this in BDSM – I think this is a new development. I think the old leather-men who built up that community knew it hurt like the dickens, but pushed through because they needed to, there was nothing for it but to suffer for the eventual rewards.
… Spanking hurts. It’s why humans have used it as punishment for probably as long as we’ve been living in social groupings together. It doesn’t necessarily follow that just because you are turned on by the idea, you have to love all the sensations/aspects of it.
To that extent, we all hate spankings! (At least, the receivers!) Unless it’s nothing more than a tender pattering of gentle love taps, there are going to be some moments where you think, “What the hell did I sign up for?!”
But that is part of the thrill…
I’ve long abhorred the tensions that seem to exist between those who class themselves as “BDSMers”, and the “spankos” – as if the two inter-related communities need to somehow compete. It’s great to read such a positive exploration of some of the similarities and differences between varying types of play.
“I’ve long abhorred the tensions that seem to exist between those who class themselves as “BDSMers”, and the “spankos” – as if the two inter-related communities need to somehow compete. It’s great to read such a positive exploration of some of the similarities and differences between varying types of play.”
Interesting concept. I don’t think there’s any need for there to be tension- but obviously there is. Mostly seeming to stem from that there are BDSM’s who find spanking a bit creepy, and spankos who find BDSM morally distasteful with all the age play and rape play etc etc.
Whilst I agree that there’s no need to argue- I do take issue with the idea some people have that they are not different. They really are- mostly in mental attitudes, I think.
Honestly I reckon if each party tried to understand each other it would probably work out better. I know spankos who utterly exasperate me for being so judgmental about stuff like age play and watersports*, and I know I’ve annoyed spankos by struggling to understand being a bottom rather than a submissive. I guess the reason that Zille writes so well about issues like this one is that she is someone who spans both communities. Those people are much rarer than I would ever have expected.
*You’re blog will now be linked when people search for watersports. Sozzles.
Hi, Scarlett, and thanks for the comment. – I know this is an issue that interests you. The point, surely, is that – as I said – the two groups are related, do cross-over, do have similarities as well as differences. I identify myself as a spanko, a top – not as a BDSMer, a Master or Dom. Yet some of the things you list as BDSM activities are things I do and enjoy – age play, to an extent, and certainly rape play, if not watersports. Trying to divide and judge is less helpful to all than trying to understand and simply enjoy!
Thank you so much, Abel! I think this was one of the best posts I’ve ever done — so glad other people agree!
I’m afraid that there will always be tension between the spankos and the BDSMers )as there are between the “fetishists” and BDSMers, etc.). There is always the division of “us” vs “them, ” with “us” always being superior, of course!
I think a lot of the confusion stems from the persistence of some “spankos” in asserting that they are not, somehow, engaged in BDSM. This is, of course, nonsense: by definition, BDSM embraces the spanking scene as well as many other things; “the spankosphere” is a subset of the BDSM world, by definition.
Of course, there are other BDSM subsets, such as the rope bondage people (including “shibari” fans) or the piercers or those whose thing involves hierarchies — pseudo-military and “littles”.
Obviously, what most people (and particularly Zille) mean when “BDSM” is used in this context is “people into BDSM who do not self-identify as ‘spanko-only’ — or at least ‘spanko-mostly'”.
But my reason for stating this possibly-bleeding-obvious point is that generalizations about “BDSM” almost immediately fall apart. It’s a bit like people from Chelsea generalizing about Londoners (substitute Manhattan and New York, if you prefer): if one is going to distinguish oneself from “the rest”, you probably ought to recognize that “the rest” have their own distinguishing points.
So… do “BDSMers” find “spanko’s” creepy? I very much doubt it, and that certainly isn’t my experience — but there are creepy folk who show up at events of both stripes. I do think that “BDSMers” (as a rule) have a far better grasp of the finer nuances of consent than “spankos” tend to exhibit, which may lead to some snootiness (I’m referring more to “attitudinal” consent, not folk whaling away hitting people, where it gets assumed that a someone bottoming to one top gets spoken to by another top “in role”, without their consent). And certainly there are way more people who identify as “tops” in BDSM-as-a-whole than there are who identify as “doms” or “masters” — among the rope gang, “dom” is pretty meaningless, and “master” is used solely in the sense that it’s used with “craftsman”.
Zille’s point, here, was not about the commonalities and distinctions between spankos and other types of BDSM player, but about the fact that most BDSM _gatherings_ have (or had) an apparent focus on direct, immediate, personal satisfaction for all involved, while spankos more readily accepted a more nebulous sense of gratification. I mean, a recurring thread in general-BDSM groups is why there is so little sex in the dungeon?, the absence of which seems to be of little note to spanko!
[ Gasp! Did I just suggest that spanking is somehow related to nookie? Even that is a heresy with some (minority) spankos, who seem to dislike the idea that sexuality involves way more than just intercourse! ]
The irony is that are plenty of other types of BDSMery where deferred gratification is the norm, not just the spanking scene. I mean, after you’ve bound someone to the point of utter immobility and then thrown him in a cage, how much immediate gratification are they going to get? Heh!