Spanking in the New York Times

A few months back, Sophie Morgan wrote a brilliant newspaper article that explained kink to a vanilla audience in a way that was brave and inspiring. Last week, whilst I was in New York with Emma Jane, the US had its equivalent moment when the New York Times published Jillian Keenan’s quite excellent “Modern Love: Finding the Courage to Reveal a Fetish.”

You may well already have seen the article: it’s been fairly widely mentioned in kinky circles online in recent days. But it’s an important enough article for me to want to share a few snippets that particularly stood out. First, about her (vanilla) boyfriend:

My dilemma was clear: how could I describe my desires to David when I could hardly confess them to myself? Spanking fetishists don’t have a tradition of coming out. The comparisons to child abuse and spousal battery are inevitable, upsetting and often impossible to dispel, so it’s easiest to keep our interest private…

Even popular books and movies link erotic spanking to severe psychological trauma. In “Fifty Shades of Grey,” Christian Grey’s passion for erotic pain is a result of extreme childhood abuse. The 2002 film “Secretary” suggests that the main character’s spanking obsession is merely a preferable alternative to self-mutilation.

So what is a nice girl (who also happens to love being spanked) supposed to think? More pressingly, what is she supposed to say to her brand-new boyfriend?

A later paragraph is one that so many of us will recognise:

My kink developed early. As a child, I pored over any book that mentioned spanking, paddling or thrashing. Tom Sawyer went through many reads, as did – believe it or not – key dictionary entries. (Looking up titillating definitions is so common among developing spankophiles that it’s almost a rite of passage.)..

And then the process of coming to terms with being into things that others may find strange:

But how could I ever express it all – my history, insecurities, secrets and hopes? I’m a writer, so I wrote it down. And as I translated my feelings and memories into these words, I took control of a desire that has controlled me for most of my life. I felt comfortable, confident – even celebratory. For about three days. Then ancient insecurities, as they always do, crept back…

“Coming out of the closet” isn’t the right expression. We’re not in closets that can be left in a single step as the door clicks shut behind. “Coming out of the house” might be better. Or “coming out of the labyrinth.” In our different ways, we all just want honesty and intimacy, right? We’re looking for the people who will love us, even when it’s difficult. Or uncomfortable. Or painful.

As with Sophie, Jillian deserves huge credit for writing so openly and bravely, in a way that can only encourage greater understanding and tolerance of kink amongst the wider community. Marvellous stuff!