The local amenity

I’ve long been a top-tier ‘Platinum’ member in the customer loyalty programme run by the Starwood hotel chain. In return for far too many nights in their properties around the world, I’ve had some lovely perks: upgrades to gorgeous suites, access to lovely executive lounges, free food and drink galore.

One feature is a welcome gift – bonus loyalty points, a free breakfast, a bowl of fruit or a ‘local amenity’. It’s the last of these – usually a tacky souvenir – that amuses me; how could I forget the proferred green fluffy elephant emblazoned with ‘Le Meridien’ in one German city?

But checking into their Edinburgh hotel with EJ recently, it struck me that said amenity *might* in some hotels be more interesting. A gentleman arrives with a cute young lady on his arm? Then the local Scottish item on offer might turn out to be a tawse…

Fortunately, I’d brought one of my own with me, so a girl could be made to bend over with her hands on the windowsill, looking at Edinburgh Castle as she was strapped on the bare. (I have no idea whether any passers-by looked up and witnessed her being whacked in true Scottish fashion. Neither, frankly, do I care!)

I think I should suggest this to Starwood. Birches at their Heathrow hotels – just down the road from Eton? A cane, perhaps, at the Park Lane Hotel. And maybe a riding crop for the upper class girls staying in their Knightsbridge branch…