A fabulous insight during a discussion on Reddit recently… A young woman, in her 20s, had posted seeking advice. She enjoys being spanked, as well as other submissive activities. Her boyfriend is having qualms about whether ‘hitting’ her is acceptable; she’s worried by “feminist academia” which seems to condemn such behaviour.
The usual re-assuring arguments were trotted out: that if they’re both doing things they enjoy, and if there’s mutual informed consent, then why should others judge them – and what could possibly be wrong? Yet still some doubts seemed to linger. And then came a wonderful reply:
It’s important that he knows that you don’t want him to do these things because he is a man and you are a woman
…and so how could it possibly be a ‘feminist’ issue? There are men who enjoy being spanked by men; men who submit to women; women who play with other women. What on earth does the fact that this couple happens to comprise a submissive woman and dominant man have to do with it?
It’s not an argument that I’ve seen expressed so simply and coherently before. It’s utterly compelling. And I loved it.
I think the most public “face” of kink (think Diary of a Submissive, the ubiquitous Fifty Shades of Grey, and earlier than those, Story of O, Secretary…) does tend to be male Dom, female sub, so it’s not entirely surprising that if you haven’t done any investigation already, like if someone springs it on you, you might think M/f is the only way to go. I mean obviously M/m, F/m, F/f is out there, not far beneath the surface, but it’s not as mainstream. So while that’s the perfect rebuttal, I can see why the issue may crop up… And on balance, while ideally everyone would be aware of other stuff, I think if your partner brings up wanting to try D/s, wanting to talk through the feminist angle, just so you’re both on the same page, is a good thing.
Gah, I’m tired. Maybe I’ll come back and try and be coherent when I’m more awake…
Hi, Kay
I so totally get why this might prey on people’s minds, and be something they need to discuss. It’s true from the other side, too – as a male top, am I being inherently sexist and negative towards women by beating them? Of course, the answer is ‘no’ – and I thought the way of looking at it in the comment I quoted was a really good way of looking at it.
Thanks for an interesting comment. And your point about talking through things is absolutely spot on.
The argument is straightforward, but in personal terms (and that’s how it is phrased), I would find it difficult to subscribe to its last part: “You do not want him to do these things … because you are a woman.” That’s hard to say with conviction and impossible to verify. The fact that male submissives exist doesn’t help that much on a personal level. An uneasiness remains.