Paired comparisons

To:  Mathematics department, my former University

Dear professors,

I should like to thank you for your assistance with last week’s scene.

As you will recall, I hated the academic side of university – having been far busier with the various extra-curricula politicking that was so much fun. And in nearly a quarter of a century since, I can safely say I have made no use whatsoever of the mathematical or statistical techniques that you taught me.

Until Friday.

See, Lemony seemed so indecisive as to which implement hurt the most. And I recalled the idea of the ‘paired comparison’ test from my uni days.

Take five implements: belt, cane, crop, paddle, tawse. Use them in pairs (one stroke of the belt then one with the cane, say) and record which is the more effective in a matrix – ‘1’ for the winner, ‘0’ for the loser. Repeat for all ten possible combinations. Add up the scores to see the league table. Like so:

Only, there was an inconsistency in her logic, for the paddle (large, heavy) and belt (a very thick piece, folded double, purchased from Scottish saddler and erstwhile tawse-maker McRostie) tied for first place. Meaning a further test of two from each was needed, before the paddle triumphed.

To mark its victory? Twelve swats. Six hard. Three very hard. The final three very, very hard. Making a grand tally of 36 for the afternoon.

There were tears. There were hugs. There was much laughter at a lovely, lovely scene. Such fun! Although my rattan collection is traumatised by its last place, and wants a re-run with a more severe cane!

So, dear tutors, thank you for having taught me something that at long last proved useful. Twenty-four and a half years: worth the wait.

Yours faithfully,

A. Jenkins