Singapore’s a fascinating city, with plenty to keep visitors from indolence. Like, for example, the Chinatown area – a fascinating mix of old and new, local and touristy, temples mixing with mosques interspersed with restaurants and souvenir stalls.

And then there are the local shopping malls, where few western visitors seem to tread. Yet when hunting for hardware shops yesterday, my spanko intuition suggested that – other options having failed – these might be fertile grounds. And so it was, a display of washing up utensils giving way to a far more interesting basket of products.

Do you want the good news or the bad news? OK, dear readers, let’s start by being positive. Urged on by numerous comments on my previous post, I had located the famous local rotan, beloved of Singaporean parents. Even better, they’re far meaner little implements than I’d expected – a little over two feet (60cm) long, very whippy but with sufficient bite to cut home their message.

But bad news, too: they only had three canes on offer, and one of those was cracked (provoking most inappropriate thoughts about daddy breaking the rotan in mid-use, and sending his daughter to the neighbouring store to buy a replacement, before continuing her punishment).

Not to be deterred, I continued to the next mall, the mammoth People’s Place Complex. After much frustrated wandering, I spied the metro station, and was about to give up. And then, there in the distance, glimmering in Xanadu-like splendour, I saw it: the outdoor hardware stall.

Twelve canes, my friends, with their kaleidoscopic plastic handles: reds, yellows, greens, blues*! (I imagined a schoolgirl, squirming uncomfortably at her desk after her caning, as her teacher read the freshly-delivered note to the class: “You are to return to the Headmaster’s office. Apparently he used the wrong-coloured rotan, and needs to correct his error.”). The poor girl on the cash desk positively trembled, putting on her very best behaviour as she wrapped my purchases.

And even more good news! Praise be to the Singaporean finance ministry, for prices have remained at the levels quoted in 1999: the equivalent of two pounds sterling capturing my entire hoard. (More inappropriate thoughts at this point, of a local girl given her weekly pocket money by her father, minus the “50 cents deducted for the cost of the rotan I had to buy”). I wonder how much I’d get on eBay for an “Authentic Singaporean rotan punishment canes, as used for parental discipline”?!

I view it as a matter of public service, really. Think of all the local cuties who’ll be spared the rods that I’m exporting… And think of the painful pleasures awaiting those of you who put in requests…

* No purple rotans, alas, for those who wanted them. I’m wondering whether two canes, one red, one blue, tied together might do the trick?