I so enjoyed writing the Sunday morning sermon for the school role-play we so enjoyed a few weeks ago. With a mix of girls, some religious, some not, there was a fine line to tread lest I cause offence. A spoof parable formed the basis of my preaching, and seemed to do the trick, and I can’t resist publishing it here – rather than consigning it to the outer reaches of my laptop, never to see the light of day again.It was taken from the (entirely non-existent) Book of Jonathan, chapter 6, verses 14 – 18:
For the girl didst speak ill words to her father, and this pained her father, and he in turn pained her. “Dost thou not know to honour thine parents?” he spake, solemnly, before sending her out into the oasis to cut a switch from the apple tree that didst bless the family with its fruits. And he didst punish her severely, and the girl wast sorely chastened.
It was but three moons later that the Feast of Archibald fell upon them, and as is set out by the scriptures, the young women of the village gathered in the temple to hear the Elders speak. Yet the girl didst not gather with the others at the annointed hour. She made her way tardily to the temple, and lo, she didst there gossip with another girl whilst the Elders taught. And the preacher became mightily annoyed. “Dost thou not know to honour thine Elders?” he spake, solemnly, before sending her to the front of the temple to bend over before the other girls, and taking out his rod. And he didst punish her severely, and the girl wast sorely chastened.
It was but three weeks later that the girl wast riding a donkey through the village when she didst pass a fruit grove, full of the ripest, juiciest and most tasty pears imaginable. She tied her ass at the side of the track, and didst climb into the hidden orchard, gorging on the forbidden fruits. But lo, the fruit owner didst catch her, and didst take her before the judge. “Dost thou not know to honour thine neighbours?” he spake, solemnly, before sending her to the village square, and beseeching the local boys to make haste and cut a bundle of birches. And he didst punish her severely, and the girl wast sorely chastened.
And the girl returned home, and didst lie on her front on her bed, weeping. And as she wept, and reflected on the lessons that she had experienced, she vowed that she would be a good and worthy girl henceforth. And she became loved by all, and much praised, and lived happily until the age of four hundred and seventy three.
Oh boy, if I had been sitting there, listening to you preaching that with a dead serious look on your face… Well, there would have been tears, but not because I was hurting… More because I was laughing too hard 😛
Oh, I’m so glad you published it. It was *such* a funny sermon. And Kate, there may have been the odd snigger among the assembled girls, but I’m sure the staff were above such childish behaviour. The Reverend Jenkins certainly – somehow – managed to read it out with great gravity and emphasis, it was genius. Thanks Abel xxx
catherine: “Dost thou not know to honour thine Elders?”
Perhaps you were “sniggering” and didn’t hear that bit……
Abel, if you really kept a straight face as you read it, then it must go down alongside Jesse Jackson’s performance on Saturday Night Live, reading Dr. Seuss’s Green Eggs and Ham as if he were giving a sermon. Don’t know if the humor survives the trip across the Atlantic intact, and the quality of the YouTube clip is pretty terrible, but here it is.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PPxPciXcJvc&feature=related
Abel! Rob’s picking on me…. 😉
Can you smack *her* with your nasty new toy and see how she likes it??? (muahahahahaha)
Thank you Reverend! Now I can tell my husband that even though I missed church, I still read a parable!
Able, very funny, four hundred and seventy three and never spanked again, what a shame.
Thank you Indiana, that You Tube was very funny.
Warm hugs,
Paul.
catherine: You know I’ve been wondering about that new toy. As of last count he has 175 implements which *you* tell me don’t hurt, except for this new one. So his canes, and his paddles and his straps and his tawses don’t hurt, but this new toy does? Out with it girl! What’s the new toy?
Rob: LOL, you know how the good Reverend Jenkins loves his tawse? Well, this is a thick rubber tawse and it is *evil*. Is it three-tailed, Abel? I wasn’t looking at it that closely!
Frankly, I’m not sure if Abel himself realised quite how evil it would be, but it had me yelping within very few strokes, and I hadn’t even misbehaved (much). I have asked very nicely if it could possibly be kept in reserve for in case I do anything *really* bad, and not brought out for play, but I have a nasty feeling that Abel quite likes the yelps 😉
catherine: There’s only one thing to do. Find the thing and chops it to bits!
catherine – I know the rubber tawse you mean! It hasn’t been used on me yet (I could play the woe is me card, but I’m not actually sure I’d want that toy used on me…) but it looked evil. Poor you!
I’ve had implements that have been “punishment only” over the years, and I find toys move in and out of the category depending on my preferences and tolerances. A wooden hairbrush which used to be my regular domestic spanking implement got relegated to the punishment box when we re-started playing after a long break, but a few months later it might start getting brought out for play again. I suspect if you really aren’t having fun with that toy it won’t come out too much. But I bet he’ll use it once or twice just to prove who’s boss…
lol, that brought back memories! i too was very impressed that you (and everyone else in the room!) managed to get through the whole thing with a straight face.
A fantastic sermon, such a shame they weren’t that good when I used to be dragged to church.
I had been wondering about Abel’s new toy as well, glad we now know…sounds decidedly evil, I’ve never met a rubber tawse, and by the sounds of things I’d like to keep it that way!
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