So, as widely reported, the porn industry has finally cottoned on to the potential of 3D: first up – a remake of the ‘infamous’ 1979 Penthouse movie, Caligula. And what fun’s in store, if they stick to the original storyline: take this, for example, after the Roman emperor had decided that “an imperial brothel is the most logical way to balance the state’s budget” (advice that one hopes Alistair Darling doesn’t take to heart as we grovel our way out of recession):

As you can see ladies and gentlemen we have gone through great expense to bring you the finest flesh in our empire. Five gold pieces! Only 5 gold pieces for each and every 20 minutes and that’s a bargain.” Woman are seen having sex, on swings, giving oral and getting whipped…

“We also have a few very severe ladies today, punish them or be punished.” Women are whipped…

I take most of the credit for this technological innovation, of course, having proposed the idea of a 3D spanking movie in a post back in March 2007. I’m therefore very much looking forward to receiving 10% of the total worldwide box office takings as my commission. I do have reservations, though: how frustrating it’ll be to witness the whippings as if at first-hand, whilst being deprived of the subsequent pleasure of rubbing in moisturiser as the freshly-flogged girl squirms over your lap.

But I’m blushing, slightly, too. Are you sitting comfortably? (And if so, why?). Then let me tell you a little story…

Once upon a time, back in the early 80s, a family moved house. Their teenage son wasn’t altogether keen on the move, as it made his walk to school through the dangerous streets (hey, it was Liverpool!) far, far longer. So the parents decided to bribe him with a gift – a wonderful snooker table. Sadly (do I hear violins?), there wasn’t quite enough room at the inn (OK: in the spare bedroom), so said table was surrounded for a year or more by unpacked crates from the move. And thus the young lad was able to helpfully explore his family’s precious things, discovering a hidden gem nestled away in the depths of one of said boxes…

Yes, dear readers, it seems that Caligula now seems destined to break new ground for me for a second time – adding the new accolade of being my first-ever kinky 3D movie to it’s much-cherished status of having been my first-ever porn magazine. I wonder if my parents still have that old copy of their “Penthouse Magazine Caligula special edition” that so inspired me some thirty-odd years ago? Maybe I won’t ask…