So, as widely reported, the porn industry has finally cottoned on to the potential of 3D: first up – a remake of the ‘infamous’ 1979 Penthouse movie, Caligula. And what fun’s in store, if they stick to the original storyline: take this, for example, after the Roman emperor had decided that “an imperial brothel is the most logical way to balance the state’s budget” (advice that one hopes Alistair Darling doesn’t take to heart as we grovel our way out of recession):
As you can see ladies and gentlemen we have gone through great expense to bring you the finest flesh in our empire. Five gold pieces! Only 5 gold pieces for each and every 20 minutes and that’s a bargain.” Woman are seen having sex, on swings, giving oral and getting whipped…
“We also have a few very severe ladies today, punish them or be punished.” Women are whipped…
I take most of the credit for this technological innovation, of course, having proposed the idea of a 3D spanking movie in a post back in March 2007. I’m therefore very much looking forward to receiving 10% of the total worldwide box office takings as my commission. I do have reservations, though: how frustrating it’ll be to witness the whippings as if at first-hand, whilst being deprived of the subsequent pleasure of rubbing in moisturiser as the freshly-flogged girl squirms over your lap.
But I’m blushing, slightly, too. Are you sitting comfortably? (And if so, why?). Then let me tell you a little story…
Once upon a time, back in the early 80s, a family moved house. Their teenage son wasn’t altogether keen on the move, as it made his walk to school through the dangerous streets (hey, it was Liverpool!) far, far longer. So the parents decided to bribe him with a gift – a wonderful snooker table. Sadly (do I hear violins?), there wasn’t quite enough room at the inn (OK: in the spare bedroom), so said table was surrounded for a year or more by unpacked crates from the move. And thus the young lad was able to helpfully explore his family’s precious things, discovering a hidden gem nestled away in the depths of one of said boxes…
Yes, dear readers, it seems that Caligula now seems destined to break new ground for me for a second time – adding the new accolade of being my first-ever kinky 3D movie to it’s much-cherished status of having been my first-ever porn magazine. I wonder if my parents still have that old copy of their “Penthouse Magazine Caligula special edition” that so inspired me some thirty-odd years ago? Maybe I won’t ask…
OK, maybe it’s just me, but there can be very few things in this world more mortifying than finding your parent’s porn (or was it parents’ porn… or would you rather not know?)
But yeah, I admire you for the persual of all things kinky even after that traumatic episode!
At that age, having never seen porn before, I was too fascinated by the contents for the fact that it was my parents’ to bother me at all. And now, looking back, I just find it funny!
Ah, even at such a tender age our dear Abel was a shocking pervert 😉
Abel, my dear, I believe your calculations are off. Whether you were innocent in the early 90s, I’ll leave to you to decide. But you were by no means a teenager!
@EmmaJane – the point is that I was actually hugely innocent at the time!
@Indy – you are, of course, entirely right. I meant the early 80s! Anyone would think I had a degree in mathematics or something…
Abel, feeling old!
LOL Indy, you beat me to it. *I* was a teenager in the 90s, and Abel is 9 years and 11 months (I’m not allowed to round up!) older… 😉
@Catherine – I think you were looking for ‘more mature’, rather than ‘older’…
Post now corrected!!
@Abel. There is no way on this earth you are 10 years (or even 9 years and 11 months!) more mature than Catherine. Older, most definitely, though 😀
@cath: it’s so much easier to say “a decade.” You’d think a writer (mathematician or not) would appreciate the economy of phrasing.
Not a decade. And not decayed, either…
As near as dammit a decade… surely close enough to justify poetic licence in the interests of literary brilliance.
Liverpool?
Liverpool?
Wow, who knew… 😉
Pingback: pr0n | supplicium post mortem
Pingback: 3D porn on the way | Adele Haze's "Spanking Model Speaks"
My father had a copy of the special edition magazine as well. I read it many, many times.
For some reason I doubt that this remake will be worth watching.