I loved the second post that I’ve selected for this year’s “Best of the kinky rest” selection – Temple of Babalon talking about polyamorous relationships.
These days, my life is decidedly not “poly”, and I don’t want in the least want it to be – much as I look back happily to a period of several years with the most amazing poly partners. So, a few especially insightful highlights here – and then do head across to the original to read the rest:
One of the issues of living alternative lifestyles is that people around you don’t always understand… I’m very fortunate in that I have a group of friends who are very accepting, very welcoming, very non-judgemental. I know from reading the blogs of others I’m very lucky in this. I am very ‘out’ to my friends about my interests and lifestyle, and they are very warm about all of it, even those bits which they have no interest in exploring themselves. They don’t judge, they support me, they are usually quite curious about what I’m up to and are genuinely pleased that I find fulfilment. However, sometimes there is a gap in understanding, and empathy, and sometimes that’s frustrating…
Poly is one of the areas where I seem to most often come up against the misconception of others. I think the big problems is that people assume they understand poly and how it works, when often they don’t quite get it…
The author goes on to address various common misconceptions about poly. Here’s what he said about a few of them:
Poly doesn’t mean that you are free to do anything you want with who you want whenever you want. That’s probably the key difference between a poly relationship and what’s often described as an ‘open’ relationship. Poly is about mutual agreement, about a couple choosing who else they might want to see and in what way they want to see them…
Poly doesn’t mean you don’t get jealous. Poly is, in fact, quite hard quite often… But the key to poly is how you deal with those feelings. You don’t go ‘this hurts me, you should stop doing it’ you go ‘this hurts me, how can we work together to stop it hurting?’ … Ignoring those bad feelings, or pretending they don’t exist, is a terrible plan – you have to find a way to verbalise it, understand it, and deal with it. That process isn’t always easy, but it’s very worthwhile – you become more confident, more self assured, and more certain of yourself as you go along…
‘Secondary’ partners aren’t secondary. I deeply value the other girls I see – I think they’re remarkable, fascinating, and delicious. I wouldn’t see them otherwise. Whilst I value my relationship very highly I am not, nor would ever be, dismissive of the life, needs and interests of the other people I see. And I’d expect the girl to treat anyone else she sees in the same way. Not being the main partner in a relationship doesn’t mean not having a voice, doesn’t mean not being important, doesn’t mean not having power or having to ‘put up’ with whatever you’re offered, doesn’t mean we won’t try to be there if you need us. Other partners have just as much right to say ‘I’m not happy’ as anyone else… have just as much right to say ‘I’d like to do X if we can’ as anyone else… Sometimes needs can’t be met as fully as we’d like, but we never, ever, dismiss those needs as not being important. Everyone is important.